Showing posts with label independence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label independence. Show all posts

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Cause you came and left...

Lately I have been addicted to "Just Go" by Jesse McCartney. I was listening to "The Best Day Of My Life" not realizing it was from A Cinderella Story and got excited with the biggest urge to watch it. Then I realized, I never got around to buying that movie. Even though it's one of my favorites (Hilary Duff is a guilty pleasure of mine).

Anyyywayyy....

Autumn! Oh me and Autumn, we have this really weird and super secret love/hate relationship. If I were ever to cheat on Martin, it would be with Autumn (can you cheat on someone with a season? Absolutely). Then I'd cheat on Autumn with Winter. I know, arent I scandalous?

I get into these crazy moods when the temperature starts to drop and the leaves go all... dead. And stuff. Haha. In my life, my previous boyfriends always managed to break up with me like right before the holidays. Trust me, it was fool proof. I always figured it was because they didnt wanna splurge on gifts for their girlfriend, who knows. But I guess that contributed to my crazy mood when it comes around this time of the year.

I get the craziest most intense urge to be independent. And alone. Til like, January haha.

I dont know, to me it feels like Autumn is the beginning of a fresh start. The air feels nicer against your skin and everything is crisp and refreshing. The plants are dying so they can start over again. And there's just something really refreshing and inspiring about that. I'm also one of those people who find colder weather to be more romantic. And its around the time I usually fall asleep watching Serendipity every night. Might explain the wanting to be alone/romantic statement, yah?

Ironically, me and Martin usually break up in November if we do break up. Though our break ups arent like normal people's break ups, they're very helpful. We tend to talk to each other a lot more when we break up. But it always, always lands in November. Again, fool proof. And we break up every other year. Fool proof! But now that we're getting married, what happens? We cant divorce every other year haha. I guess its good that he left this Autumn, it skips a year. But then it throws off our "fool proof" cause that means next year we'll get along since his presence was absent this year.

I'm sorry, is this a weird subject to be talking about? I actually brought this up with him and he usually denies we break up. Even though he always asks me back out lol, he's odd like that. But I'm very thankful he puts up with my crazy habits and ideas and all around just man-shes-not-making-sense-right-now. Though he did pick up a new habit of chanting "I love her" whenever I do something completely off the wall lol.

I was hoping to write a better blog about it than this, but mid-blog my mom knocked on my door and I lost my inspiration. I need to start blogging in my car, where no one can talk to me! I'm so foreal.

Speaking of, there was this huge spider crawling around my car door when me and Marissa got back from the Olive Garden so I handed her the disinfectant spray (I have OCD, I always bring disinfectant around with me) and instead of spray it away it caused the spider to slip through the door frame INTO the car so she opened the door and it was like, plopped into the rubber frame part and it had a web. The little sucker made a home in my door frame! Anyway, I forgot about it and I was cleaning the wedding stuff out of the car and I saw the web and freaked. Then I remembered that we killed that spider but man... that web looks like it was spun with glue. I'm so serious. I should take a picture tomorrow and show you guys. It's gross.

I hate spiders. Yuck.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Never needed a hand to hold...

Today was probably one of the BEST days of my life. Besides that I'm sick & it was raining. It was one of the best days because my favorite hosting company brought back their promo code!! I know, I'm excited because a HOSTING company brought back a PROMO code. What the fuck, right? For those of you who know me, you know how big I am on web design and graphic design. I've been making webpages since 2001. I was finally hosted by my friend Raquel in 2005 and I finally bought my own domain (that Martin named and I fell in love with it) in 2006. I havent had a domain since then since I kinda fell out of the whole web and graphic design stuff and since they took down the promo code.

I was checking out some other domain companies because the one I'm currently with SUCKS ASS. Their customer service is horrible, you have to go through a million and one folders to get where you need to go, and its such a headache. But at the same time, it disappoints me because the me before woulda been like "Oh YES! Finally a challenge!" and the me now is like "fuuuuuuuuck that!" *sigh*.

Which brings me to another point...

My life changed in 2004, in so many ways I lost count. Like, literally. I hate when people tell me "well at least you have a boyfriend" because I KNOW I work so much better at life WITHOUT one. I do appreciate everything Martin encourages me to do, everything he tries to help me with, everything he learns JUST FOR ME so he can help me and ease my stress. But its so hard for me to deal with that. Its so hard for me to accept someone's help. I'm so use to learning things on my own, to doing things on my own. And you'd think after FIVE YEARS I would change. But I havent. I love that he wants to help me, but its just not the way I work, and I know that.

I miss the me who'd sit here and would design and code literally ALL day and ALL night long. And enjoy every single minute of it. I miss the me who'd take on learning new programs because "I had to". I miss the me who was MOTIVATED enough to do SOMETHING. Who believed she can do ANYTHING at all. I lost that, somewhere. And I cant seem to find it. I cant even find the motivation to blog once a day like I use to. I dont do ANYTHING these days. Nothing that I use to LOVE doing. And it really fuckin upsets me. And I write about this year after year. I make the same resolutions, year after year and year after year I disappoint myself.

Why?

Something's been bothering me lately. Something beyond my control. Something that makes me anxious and worried. Something that shouldnt. Something that has to do with a silly fear I cant get over. Something that will stop me from meeting my deadline.

I'm at my breaking point. I'm at my fork in the road. I wished to turn my life around and here it fuckin is. I know what I HAVE to do, but why do I feel so unsure?