UGH.

I'm so frustrated with myself right now that I just wanna go to sleep. Ever have those days? Nothing bad or irritating happened but you're just so down that you just wanna not do anything at all and just sleep? I dont think I've ever been so down that I didnt want to write about it.

I've got so much catching up to do, and not enough time to do anything. I hate this.

CAT Scan.

Hey guys, I gotta make this quick since I started a new thing today.

• I'm gonna start sleeping at 1:30AM or earlier (its 1:20 right now)
• I'm gonna drink a bottle of water a day
• Eat healthier

The reason for this is because I'm suppose to see a headache person soon and I'm scared they'll send me to get an MRI. I'm sure my headache's are caused by stress, lack of sleep, bad eating and taking too much medicine. So I'm gonna try to fix things and see if it helps. I know its always good to have things checked but somehow I've developed a really bad fear to needles.

So, yesterday was my CAT scan! 12 hours before I was suppose to take the medicine which wasnt as bad as most people said it was (it wasnt good either). I was surprised it came in a small bottle which required you to mix it with any clear drink (water, sprite, apple juice, cranberry juice, etc) so I went for cranberry. Everyone says the medicine is salty so I figure the bitterness of the cranberry would cancel out the salt. It worked pretty well. It wasnt gross, unless it got warm and as long as I didnt gulp it cause then it tasted like medicine. I chased it with a popsicle lol. You're not suppose to eat 4hrs before your scan. I hope the popsicle didnt count!

The CAT scan itself wasnt so bad. It was quick. They have you put on a gown (but not require you to get completely naked) then they lay you down and you slide into this donut looking machine that tells you to hold your breath at certain times and slides you in and out of the donut thing. I didnt get the IV because I was too scared and I literally JUST finished my last dose of medicine 20 minutes before I got there, so I figure I'd be good. She said that sometimes you can get away with not taking the IV (where they inject more iodine into your system) so I'm hoping I can! If the images dont show up well enough, I'll have to retake them. And I'm hoping I dont! While the procedure wasnt that bad and the medicine wasnt as bad as everyone makes it sound, I wouldnt want to go through that again! I know I shoulda just took the IV, but I was too scared and now I regret it =(. *sigh*.

The after effects of the medicine have made me pee, A LOT. A lot a lot. And have made me poo a lot too since I got home. Blah!

Alright, bed time. Sorry for being so MIA-ish, things are getting complicated.

Stomach Pains.

So an update on the stomach pains... I went to the hospital the next day and she did the usual check up stuff and she set an appt for a CAT scan and she sent in a request for the headache specialist since I told her about my frequent headaches. Which sucks cause I've been asking my previous doctors to send me (I've had this problem for the last 6 years) and they always refused. So I'm happy about that. I'm not happy about the CAT scan or the pages of lab work I have to get done.

My CAT scan is in a few days and honestly, I'm terrified. I dont wanna take the "drink of doom" (or what I call it) and I dont wanna be stuck with an IV in my arm/hand and getting an iodine shot! It just sounds miserable and painful. Worst 15-30 minutes of my life. I hope I dont chicken out and end up cancelling it. My mom and Martin want to make sure I get it done. Cause what if something IS wrong? And I'm just being a baby about it. But I'm really really really... really really scared. Like seriously, every time I think about it, I get nauseous and I start feeling sick. Ugh. What do I do?!

So I'm gonna be busy this week. I'm also going to see the Wizard of Oz 70th anniversary in theaters. I also found out that the original Elphaba (Idina) played NANCY on Enchanted! And shes married to Taye Diggs (one of my favorite actors) and Galinda (Kristin) played Olive on Pushing Dasies! I hated Nancy in Enchanted and Olive creeped me out ahaha. Funny and odd right? I think Idina makes a wonderful Elphaba! I hope they're in the movie when they make one. Ahhh. I wanna see it again!

I told my bro for my wedding gift I want Wicked tickets and hes like "so what if EVERYONE bought you Wicked tickets?" and I was like "OMG I'm so excited! That's a wonderful idea" hahaha he thought I was nuts.

Not even the Wicked soundtrack is cheering me up (okay maybe it, a little). I feel like ugh. =(

No matter how they try to destry him.. let him never die, let him never die...

As Long As You're Mine.

I am obsessed with this song. I love how dark and how seductive and how secret it is. If you saw the musical you'd know what I'm talkin about. It's just, I dont know. That "I dont know how much longer I have with you" theme going on. It's always something exciting and depressing at the same time.

No Good Deed

I've been obsessed with this song too. The scene after "As Long As You're Mine". I love this song because you can hear her anxiety, you can feel how bad she feels. How much she wants to save Fieyro. How sorry she is. How misunderstood she was. How everything and everyone just turned against her. It was like her breaking point. She accepted that they thought she was a wicked witch when she knew she wasnt. All she wanted to do was help. I love how much emotion is put into it and how much emotion it stirs up.

I've seriously been listening to these two songs over and over for the last 36 hours. I cant get enough of Wicked! I'm utterly obsessed. And I love it! I seriously want to see this musical again. At least 10 more times! No joke!

Dang, the last time I was this obsessed with something was Ryan Cabrera back in 05' haha. Dont you love things that can make you emotional?

Wicked!

Saturday was my grandpa's birthday. And in memory of him, I decided to go see Wicked. I had wanted to see this since I heard it was playing in our area and originally had wanted to see it for my birthday, but I ended up going to Disneyland instead and I thought they were going to end but they extended it so I decided to go for his birthday (and I found out they extended our showing again).



We sat in the balcony. Like literally, the very very VERY top row. I liked our seats, they were easy to find, we were on the end and you could see the whole stage from up there. But you could see peoples faces. I still really enjoyed it. In fact, I kinda wanna see it again =). I've been obsessed since I got home. Watching it on youtube, planning to buy the soundtrack lol. Oh! I got a flying monkey plushie, a hat and a witch hat keychain. I LOVE witch hats! I'm sad this is the only picture I took. I was all nice and dressed up and I didnt get a chance to take a picture with the poster. I'm really bummed out about that... extremely bummed out to be honest.

I had something else to update on, and I dont remember what it was. Hmm.

I'm going to be doing a mini jewelry sale soon, gonna be announcing some mark. store promo's, going to be adding more pieces to my crafts blog. Its just this wire wrapping that's frustrating me. Blah! I'll get it down someday.

I wanna go on a NYX haul but ugh, I dont need any more makeup! I need to get rid of makeup! Not buy more. I have a few China Glaze and a bunch of OPI nail polishes I dont want anymore, should I put them up for sale? Can you even ship nail polish?!

Days are passing too quickly, Martin's leaving sooner and sooner :(

I made a military-ish blog here. Its not gonna be detailed like another one that I have (thats friends only) because I dont wanna violate anything. I didnt want it to get mixed up with all my other stuff.

Oh! I missed ONE day of taking birth control and the next day I got my period. You know how usually you spot? Well, I didnt spot. I got my full blown period. It sucks!!! At least now I know what happens when I miss a day, right? AND I'm drinking Pepsi. Why do you always crave the things that make you cramp when you're on your period? It tastes so good but its so painful! Argh.

Memories are still vivid...

I was doing laundry last night and I was waiting for the washer to get done, so I walked around in circles downstairs. I was standing in the dining room for who knows what reason. I remember the first time I ever set foot in this house. New Years Eve. I remember left over Christmas cookies. Brand new couches. It was night time and the living room was HUGE and empty. The piano, of course. The piano. The little lamp you spent time finding. Teaching me how to play "happy birthday" by tapping the key I should press next.

The dining room table. I was standing right next to where you use to sit when you'd tell me to take my medicine. I can still see you sitting in the chair and me standing in front of you, leaning on the table. A small clear club with pink cough surup between us. It always took me forever to take medicine. You knew I hated taking medicine! But you were always so patient with me. Always. I always asked you not to watch me cause it made me nervous so one day you made up a game. You'd turn around, close your eyes and count to three. Then turn back around and by then it should be gone. I wish you were here. I still hate medicine. I still play that game pretending you're here. That was 19 years ago.

The couch, the kitchen, the tv in the family room. "I want my ramen with a lottt of rice!" while watching Return to Oz when I probably should had been sleeping. Martin attempts to make it the way you do, because he knows it'll make me happy. And I appreciate it, but I miss the way you made it. In memory of you, this year. I'm going to see Wicked.

I remember your tape recorder and the pouch you made for it. It was green and it had a string that you pulled and it would scrunch closed. I remember you telling me to talk to it when you first got it and I remember you recording yourself playing the piano. I remember your ring! Your gold ring, the flat front side with the black gem in front and the calligraphy S in the middle. I remember asking you if you ever have trouble taking it off since I could never pull it off and you always showed me the soap trick. I asked you a lot of silly questions. And I bothered you endlessly, but you never seemed to mind.

You're probably standing next to me right now. Dont worry, I'm not crying cause I'm sad. I'm crying because I miss you. Now that I'm older, there's so much more I want to know. So many more questions I want to ask. Martin would had loved to had met you. And I would had loved for you to had met him, here. In our time. I wish you were here to see all the crafty things I try to do everyday. I know you'd be proud. I know you'd encourage me and tell me not to give up. You always did, whenever I wanted to give up. Maybe its better you're not here anymore, things changed when you left.

I remember sitting on your lap, in the living room of my mom's old house in the Philippines. Before we left for the airport. I remember saying "you're not coming home?" and you said "I will, later. I'm going to stay a little longer."

I still remember our last conversation over the phone. You never came home. I had a feeling it would be our last. I couldnt tell you that I was sorry for all the times I said I hated you when I was angry. I couldnt tell you I missed you and I just wanted you to come home already. I told you about my science project. The first one I had to do without your help. "Good job. I knew you could do it".

I remember the phone call. And my mom busting into tears. I remember running up to my room and crying. I didnt have to ask what happened.

The last time I was at your grave I promised I'd come back after high school. I'm sorry I havent. Its not completely on purpose. Airplanes are painful for me, I'm sure you've seen. It shouldnt had stopped me from coming back. Thank you for telling me in my dream the last time not to worry about it and to focus on school. Mama said it sounded like something you'd say if you were still here. I do feel bad about it, I know you probably dont want me to, sorry. I'll be coming back soon though, I want you to meet Martin. I'm sure you already have, but you know, can I introduce you this time? If that was you.

Happy Birthday Lolo. I love you. I miss you. I'll try not to cry the rest of the day, but no promises.

Life just is.

Sometimes life gets a hold of me and sometimes it reminds me of my reality. And everything comes crashing down. And its so hard to push it away to remind myself that this doesnt have to be my reality anymore. I'm old enough to make my own, to fix my own life the way I see fit. And I thought by now I would have, I had been planning to for so long... but its not. I'm nearing my mid-twenties and nothing has changed. Maybe that's why I dont feel like I'm my age, maybe that's why I still feel like I'm 18. Cause nothing has changed.

I worry about you and I dont know if I should anymore. Its been five years since we last talked, and I cant help but sometimes worry. And I cant tell you how hard it is not to text you to see if you're okay late at night. Or to knock on your door and ask you if you want me to get you anything on my way out. You hate me, I get it. You've always hated me. Our entire childhood. I get it. I dont understand why or what I did that was so wrong and honestly, I dont think you do either. And I try not to worry. I try not to care. And some days its hard not to, like today. And I wish I could ask you if you're okay. But I know you wont care that I care. So I dont ask.

Its hot today, and I wish it wasnt. I'm over this heat. My fan is blowing hot air at me. My parents are both taking naps (thats how you know its hot, when both your parents end up napping for no reason). I should be getting ready to go to dinner with the boyfriend, but I'm just not in the mood anymore.

On a lighter note, I had a good random day in Oakland and Alameda yesterday. Going to places of his childhood again. Beautiful shopping centers, beaches with seashells and clear water (and lots and lots of gnats... damn them for ruining the prettyness of the beach), Panera Bread dinners at sunset next to a fireplace, trying disgusting fish oil chews that look/smell like Starburst (oh what a lie!)... it was a nice day out. Wish everyday could be like that.

Holidays.

I think I got the previous problem fixed. I scanned my PC two more nights in a row and now everything should be good. I finally got around to updating my food blog, I'm so sad I've been neglecting it. I need to update my Flickr and my domain too. Keeping up with too many blogs is such a hassle. But so much fun at the same time.

I need to back up my files too, thinking about reformatting my entire PC, its been a year since I've had it and I figure I might as well before it beats me to it and crashes, right? Cause no one likes it when their PC's crash... its just that... all my video games!! Like FFXI, Asda Story, Runes of Magic, Luna... I dont wanna re-downloading them all over again and have to go through the updates. Especially FFXI, their update is freakin 14hrs long. I hate dealing with that stupid update! But I figure I should reformat this thing soon.

Its starting to feel more like fall, but the heat is still... going strong. I can not wait until it starts to get much cooler around here! Trying to sell off a bunch of makeup/stuff since I'm moving next year and I obviously cant bring my whole room with me. It's just hard parting with things. I'm one of those people that even if it has slight sentimental meaning to it, I wont throw it out. Like seriously, I still have the outfit I wore on me and my boyfriend's first date around here somewhere. No lie. I havent worn it in like 4 years but I cant just throw it out, you know?! I dont know... blah!

Super excited for this weekend! Trying out Melting Pot with one of my good friends and going to see Wicked. After that, counting down the days til Martin leaves. Not sure if I'm gonna drop him off the night before he leaves or stop by the morning he leaves to see him swear in before leaving. Its just that, that's at 9AM and where hes gonna be is a 2hr drive from where I am. So that means I'm gonna have to wake up super early and I have no one to come with me (I have this insane fear of driving on the freeway alone). So, I dont know =( but I do want to be with him right before he leaves, you know? *sigh*.

I'm so thankful that one of my good friends always ends her sentence with "its okay! we'll figure something out...!" its nice to know shes excited to help me through this. I know, sounds weird right? But, she gets it. And I'm glad she does. Only sucks that she lives way across the bridge from me and my other really good friend lives an hour or two away from me! Damn you guys! Its okay though. Argh, I hate thinking about him leaving, I get all sad!

So its... Labor Day? And I dont know what that means lol. My family isnt too big on holidays. All I know is that its a day that would be a bad idea to go out so its a stay-home-holiday LOL. My favorite hosting company had a promo and I missed it by 2 hours but I tried it anyway and it worked! So I'm excited, I'm going to be setting up a blog/site for me and Martin. Yay! Did laundry today... yep. Hellur exciting right? Haha. I need to clean out this room. My desk is making me feel very... distracted. OH! One of my necklaces fell and so I tried to fix it and ALL of my necklaces ended up tangled together. I'm so bad. I just left the clump on my desk. Trying to untangle that crap is going to suck!

Trojan's.

I scanned my PC last night and woke up this morning to my virus scan (McAfee) saying it found 24 trojan's. Two of which were linked to my online game. Wtf?! I'm so sad it found trojan's... I've had this PC for a year and managed to not get any. It's like every time I get a PC that has a virus, I dont wanna use it anymore. Even if it is quarantined. What if it escapes?! =(

UGH. Stupid internet and your stupid viruses! This didnt start happening til I started using Google Chrome! Does anyone know if it's protected against viruses? Cause I know my Mozilla has a bar at the bottom that tells me if a site is or isnt infected. Blah!

Getting my hair done...

Every time I get my hair done I always have to get it re-done because it
somehow ends up messed up. Blah. Being under the heater makes me sleepy.
Martin's 10 feet away from me playing his new PSP game. I'm glad he
remembered his PSP or he woulda been bored lol.

Blogging on a sidekick is a bit hard. My thumbs already ache!! Haha
crazy. I think my hair dressers trying to fry my hair. I've been under
here for half an hour already!

Gotta make a few stops for some jewelry supplies today. Have a few
requests to fill. Hopefully I find what I'm looking for.

Read a sad email Martin wrote me last year to try to pass time... I
forgot how sad it was. On the verge of crying at the hair salon isn't
the best idea lol. There are people here!! I hate when my friends just
assume Martin & I just always get along. Cause at one point we didn't.
At one point our relationship was beyond horrible and I just hate when
people assume we're effortless. Things honestly weren't fixed til the
beginning of this year. And we've been together for 5 years. So there
was a lot of learning going on. *sigh*.

In happier news.....! We picked up my ring today! They got it down to a
3! It fits perfect. And its really pretty! But he won't let me have it
til he proposes. Lameee haha. I can't wait for my official one (this one
is a temp. I don't get my official one til next month after he
leaves)!!

Its kinda crazy to think we're really getting married!! And kinda scary!
The time is passing too fast! But I love my boo bear & I wouldn't trade
him or any of our fucked up struggles for anything.
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

I thought the heat was over!

It was super cold last night and now today its really really warm. I'm not gonna say hot cause its not super I-cant-breathe hot but its between really warm and lightweight hot. Point is, its not cold! Wth!

I had some Micky D's today and its not agreeing with my stomach. Lately nothing I've been eating has been. I think I have a lightweight stomach flu or something. Its really frustrating. Or maybe I just need to stop drinking soda cause my stomach hurts really bad when I drink soda these days too. Sick almost. Its just hard when your parents buy a billion boxes of soda. I know its cheaper, but damn.

Had my first argument with my bestie last night. I think she's making the worst choice of her life and its not like me to butt in someones life and be like "excuse me, but that's a dumb move" but I'd just hate to see her do something stupid. She always says that she dates assholes but if you think about it... look at where she meets these guys! She finally finds someone who could be really good to her and shes being stupid. Argh, just makes me mad. I know it shouldnt and it is her life but you know, shes my best friend. I just want her to be happy too. It only took us 10 years to finally have an actual argument where I was actually yelling at her. I'm glad she doesnt hate me for it, and she was actually considering what I was saying... and whining LOL. And it hit a point where she was like "dude, you're tired of arguing with me, arent you?" and I was like "yeah sometimes I just hit a point where I'm like you know what fuck it do what you want" and shes like "yeah, I can totally tell" haha!

I went through a bunch of my makeup bags and I found some more stuff I'm wiling to get rid of. There's still more but I havent gotten that far into my closet just yet. I'm also going to be selling DVD's/CD's/video games but that's gonna take a whole 'nother day to sort though. So far I have one movie up for sale. I just gotta edit the pictures (dont you hate when on camera they dont look dark but on the PC, they look darker?) and post them. So check my blog sale for new items! All this stuff is either again not used, swatched a few times or used once.

Had a hit of inspiration this morning for some Disney inspired jewelry. So I'm on the hunt for a couple of findings/crystals and I'm going to write it down this time so I dont forget!! So, hopefully in a week or two I'll have some new Disney inspired up on my crafts blog. I'm thinking of what I'm going to release for my Fall set but nothing is coming to mind right now. I might have to scatter my crystals around and hope that something hits me. I just gotta get something new up soon.

I'm hungry =( but I'm scared nothing's going to agree with my stomach right now. The thought of food is making my stomach curl. Ugh.

I have this fear of getting cavities (part of why I'm so bent on not drinking soda anymore) and even after I have a cavity filled, I still think its not and it'll still ache. I guess cause I still think about it constantly. And I mean constantly. So I set an appt next week and since my insurance ran out when I turned 23, its going to cost $266 for an xray, cleaning and fluoride. Insane right? I need insurance. Martin needs to hurry up and marry me! Haha. I think thats one of the things he's gonna say to my parents when he talks to them later this week "you know, I can pay her bills -- cause we all know how bad those are... and she'll get insurance -- cause we all know how she's constantly sick..." haha. He's the best. He's already told me I have no choice, I have to get eyesight surgery. And I'm terrified, but he thinks I'll go blind. He's also going to find a way to fix my back (I have an extreme bad habit of slouching). But I do love that he cares about my health so much. I'm going to really miss him when he leaves. Who am I gonna call in the middle of the night when I have bad dreams, paranoia or intrusive thoughts? *sigh*. OCD + your support system gone = not a good thing. But he's being strong for us, so I have to be strong too. It's only fair.