He's getting discharged.

So I should had wrote about this when it happened but I just wasnt in the mood to talk. Dang, now I have to start from the beginning.

So on the 18th, I was suppose to see Wicked with my sister-in-law and I woke up with an ulcer. I thought I just had to poop (you know how sometimes that m

akes your stomach hurt) but it wasnt that. Then it hit me, it was an ulcer. I took some Tums (even though that doesnt help it but hey, I had hopes) and tried to tough it out cause I already paid $120 for these tickets the week before. So I drove to the Ferry Building and I can not tell you how painful the drive was. So we park and I already know I cant walk. And it was 10AM, the show wasnt until 2PM and I knew I was going to be in an insane amount of pain if I were to walk around SF. Which sucks cause I had plans to go places before the show. So I was really really sad. And Marissa was being super understanding, so thank goodness for that.

I called my dad and told him I wasnt able to drive home so he had to come get us. So he came to drive us home and got me some Won Ton Soup on the way home.

I get home and the soup did make me feel a bit better and I went to lay down and Marissa went to finish hot glue gunning the favors together (her and Martin dont let me near hot glue guns, grrr). Around 12PM my stomach started to feel better. I know, right? It would. Anyway, I went to look up designs for my hair and wedding cake. At 2PM I took this picture:

My phone says 2:02PM. I had a count down going. Marissa had to cover my eyes at 2PM lol! So we did what any sane people who missed Wicked did.

We played the soundtrack.

HAHA!

Probably not the best idea, but hey. It made us feel like we were there. Kinda.

Anyway, eventually I took a nap. When the ulcer fades I get a slight headache and chills. I was coming down with a fever and I was telling Marissa I was having chills so she took off her sweater and put it over me and its one of those thick wool type wrap things and OMG it was so warm that I instantly fell asleep.

Marissa woke me up cause my phone was ringing and you know how instantly you kinda just wake up when your phone goes off? Yeah. So I got up and no one said shit on the other line so I hung up and called the number back, no answer. So I got up to go pee and the phone rings and its Martin so I go back to the room and hes like "did you call me back?" and I was like "uh... maybe" lol!

But he called and he was like "I have bad news, I'm being discharged..." he sounded really sad and disappointed and I tried making him feel better. I know he felt defeated and I know how bad he wanted this, he was explaining to me why they were discharging him and they transfered him and he'll be home soon and to tell his family. I told him Marissa was there taking care of me. We called both of our mom's when I got off the phone with him.

I spent all yesterday moping around. Someone told me that the tendon actually takes only 3 weeks to heal and my mom (who's an RN) confirmed this so I thought there would still be hope and that he can come back in 6 months, not 2 years like they told him.

So he called me this morning (at like freakin 7:30AM, wth), again with the instantly waking up lol! I told him the good news but he said that since hes flat footed, and with this tendon, its reoccurring. Its not usually a chronic problem, but for him it is. He said they cant discharge him for flat feet and they cant discharge him for his tendon but since he has both they have to. And that it would take him more than six months to fix it. =( I tried. I asked him if he still wanted to get married and he was like "yes, I do" he sounded a little sad, I just wanted to make sure. I told him I talked to my mom last night and she said it was alright with her. He said he'd be home soon, hopefully before or after Thanksgiving.

We got to talk for 25 minutes and it felt like forever, it was kinda nice. He was laughing a lot more, so that made me happy. He was talking about his uniform and how he took his flight pictures already with his blues and his camos. And he said he was wearing his camos while he was talking to me and I was like "this is so unfair I wanted to see you in your camos" and he was like "yeah, I know, and to be honest I dont look bad in them" BITCH hahaha. I asked about his name tag and he was telling me he had some and he was like "I'm hella touching my uniform and pointing at it like you can see me" haha. But he has to return his blues and his camos. I asked him to ask if you can keep the hat. Cause I want his hat. And his name tag. I'm a sucker for military uniforms, but just certain pieces lol!

I was like "oh hey thanks for taking us to Todai last week" and he was like "you're.... I did what?" and he started laughing he was like "how do you just tell me that" hahaah! Hey, I have a problem with lying okay? Geez. And I was telling him how Marissa is harder on me than he is when it comes to spending money and a bunch of other things. It wasnt as sad as our usual conversations are, which was nice. He was like "I got your letter yesterday and how you were saying I'll do good and I was like aw fuck" haha!!

I miss him so much, I can not wait for him to come home even if it means he didnt graduate. We're still getting married, even if it means living away from each other... at home... with our parents... lol. We'll figure something out, we always do. Well hey, at least now I can move to Washington like I wanted right? lol. LETS HOPE.

He's still my Airman and I'm still so very proud of him. He'll get it right eventually and when he does, I'll be there besides him. My parents are for him trying again once he heals up too. And that makes me happy. Our lives are hard and we have a ton of bad luck, but we're so lucky to have such supportive families and people in our lives. Life may suck, but the people who pull you back up when you're down make life that much more brighter.

Memories are still vivid...

I was doing laundry last night and I was waiting for the washer to get done, so I walked around in circles downstairs. I was standing in the dining room for who knows what reason. I remember the first time I ever set foot in this house. New Years Eve. I remember left over Christmas cookies. Brand new couches. It was night time and the living room was HUGE and empty. The piano, of course. The piano. The little lamp you spent time finding. Teaching me how to play "happy birthday" by tapping the key I should press next.

The dining room table. I was standing right next to where you use to sit when you'd tell me to take my medicine. I can still see you sitting in the chair and me standing in front of you, leaning on the table. A small clear club with pink cough surup between us. It always took me forever to take medicine. You knew I hated taking medicine! But you were always so patient with me. Always. I always asked you not to watch me cause it made me nervous so one day you made up a game. You'd turn around, close your eyes and count to three. Then turn back around and by then it should be gone. I wish you were here. I still hate medicine. I still play that game pretending you're here. That was 19 years ago.

The couch, the kitchen, the tv in the family room. "I want my ramen with a lottt of rice!" while watching Return to Oz when I probably should had been sleeping. Martin attempts to make it the way you do, because he knows it'll make me happy. And I appreciate it, but I miss the way you made it. In memory of you, this year. I'm going to see Wicked.

I remember your tape recorder and the pouch you made for it. It was green and it had a string that you pulled and it would scrunch closed. I remember you telling me to talk to it when you first got it and I remember you recording yourself playing the piano. I remember your ring! Your gold ring, the flat front side with the black gem in front and the calligraphy S in the middle. I remember asking you if you ever have trouble taking it off since I could never pull it off and you always showed me the soap trick. I asked you a lot of silly questions. And I bothered you endlessly, but you never seemed to mind.

You're probably standing next to me right now. Dont worry, I'm not crying cause I'm sad. I'm crying because I miss you. Now that I'm older, there's so much more I want to know. So many more questions I want to ask. Martin would had loved to had met you. And I would had loved for you to had met him, here. In our time. I wish you were here to see all the crafty things I try to do everyday. I know you'd be proud. I know you'd encourage me and tell me not to give up. You always did, whenever I wanted to give up. Maybe its better you're not here anymore, things changed when you left.

I remember sitting on your lap, in the living room of my mom's old house in the Philippines. Before we left for the airport. I remember saying "you're not coming home?" and you said "I will, later. I'm going to stay a little longer."

I still remember our last conversation over the phone. You never came home. I had a feeling it would be our last. I couldnt tell you that I was sorry for all the times I said I hated you when I was angry. I couldnt tell you I missed you and I just wanted you to come home already. I told you about my science project. The first one I had to do without your help. "Good job. I knew you could do it".

I remember the phone call. And my mom busting into tears. I remember running up to my room and crying. I didnt have to ask what happened.

The last time I was at your grave I promised I'd come back after high school. I'm sorry I havent. Its not completely on purpose. Airplanes are painful for me, I'm sure you've seen. It shouldnt had stopped me from coming back. Thank you for telling me in my dream the last time not to worry about it and to focus on school. Mama said it sounded like something you'd say if you were still here. I do feel bad about it, I know you probably dont want me to, sorry. I'll be coming back soon though, I want you to meet Martin. I'm sure you already have, but you know, can I introduce you this time? If that was you.

Happy Birthday Lolo. I love you. I miss you. I'll try not to cry the rest of the day, but no promises.

Life just is.

Sometimes life gets a hold of me and sometimes it reminds me of my reality. And everything comes crashing down. And its so hard to push it away to remind myself that this doesnt have to be my reality anymore. I'm old enough to make my own, to fix my own life the way I see fit. And I thought by now I would have, I had been planning to for so long... but its not. I'm nearing my mid-twenties and nothing has changed. Maybe that's why I dont feel like I'm my age, maybe that's why I still feel like I'm 18. Cause nothing has changed.

I worry about you and I dont know if I should anymore. Its been five years since we last talked, and I cant help but sometimes worry. And I cant tell you how hard it is not to text you to see if you're okay late at night. Or to knock on your door and ask you if you want me to get you anything on my way out. You hate me, I get it. You've always hated me. Our entire childhood. I get it. I dont understand why or what I did that was so wrong and honestly, I dont think you do either. And I try not to worry. I try not to care. And some days its hard not to, like today. And I wish I could ask you if you're okay. But I know you wont care that I care. So I dont ask.

Its hot today, and I wish it wasnt. I'm over this heat. My fan is blowing hot air at me. My parents are both taking naps (thats how you know its hot, when both your parents end up napping for no reason). I should be getting ready to go to dinner with the boyfriend, but I'm just not in the mood anymore.

On a lighter note, I had a good random day in Oakland and Alameda yesterday. Going to places of his childhood again. Beautiful shopping centers, beaches with seashells and clear water (and lots and lots of gnats... damn them for ruining the prettyness of the beach), Panera Bread dinners at sunset next to a fireplace, trying disgusting fish oil chews that look/smell like Starburst (oh what a lie!)... it was a nice day out. Wish everyday could be like that.

Eventful weekend!

SPiNNiNG: Shes by Ryan Cabrera <3.

Had a super busy weekend.

Thursday (7/23) - Went to the 925, had Panera Bread for lunch. I'm hooked on their new Chicken Cobb Salad! Went to a small bead store I heard about, it was cute and they had plenty of supplies but not much of a Swarovski selection. Went to Fry's and ended up picking up snacks/candy. Martin wanted to "take matters into his own hands" and we ended up at Chuck E Cheese! Haha. We checked it out, they just finished building it a few weeks ago. And it turns out... they had our favorite game at D&B's there! But for a quarter! We were thisclose to beating the game. Darn, next time we're bringing $3 haha. Headed over to Michael's and he helped me pick out some more charms and crystals =). Checked if their Longs Drugs turned into a CVS yet and THEY DID! I missed the sale! And they took out the NYX stand =(. Went to Best Buy, I forgot why... lol. Then went to Kohls to check for my shirt, which they of course didnt have. Martin had me trying on random clothes lol.


Friday (7/24) - Happy Birthday Samm0e! After spending almost an entire month looking for a top for my cousins wedding, ended up deciding to just wear something I already had. Grr. I totally forgot to buy shoes though! So we went to have lunch at our (my) favorite sushi place. Went to Payless, they didnt have a huge selection of heel's there. Went to Target and found a cute wrap around shirt. Went to Kohls and found these cute heel's for $24. They rang up as $75! Hell no those werent worth that much nor would I had even glanced at them if they were that much! I got my price adjustment. Whew. Went to the county fair and I had a great time with my love, even though we didnt do much.



Walked around, had my traditional Strawberry Shortcake, ran into some of his friends, had a deep fried burrito which was DELiCiOUS! Went to look at the animals, of course. Lots of hugs and laughs! Got dinner at Wendy's and went home.



Saturday (7/25) - Got up at 10Am-ish. Got ready for my cousins wedding. Headed over to the house. Got to see my cousin from Australia! And my niece (who will be featuring in a video with me very soon *cough*) shes the prettiest thing ever! We were talking about my youtube cause my cousin from Australia was sitting between us and hes like "what are you guys talking about" and we're like "nothing!" haha. The wedding was really short, there was a half hour delay and the wedding itself was like 10 minutes long lol. It's so surreal that Elroy got married! I swear we're still kids! But we're totally not. They were both laughing during their vows, it was the cutest thing ever. I'm glad I'm not the only one who'll be cracking up in the middle of my vows. Ryan's best man speech was great haha. I tried really hard not to fall all night and I ended up falling on the way to the car. Ugh. It was nice seeing all my cousins again. I barely ever get to see them any more. My uncle from Australia was making me promise to tell him when I get married lol! He's the coolest.



Sunday (7/26) - Was the after-wedding-party. Does anyone else do this? My family has a party after the day of the wedding too lol. Picked up Martin, and he was all nice and dressed up!! He even fixed his hair. It was cute! I only took one pic, with my sidekick. I wish I took more hehe. We went to Vacaville, I got some Panda Express (he got me hooked on the Kung Pow Chicken) and I went to Panera Bread so I was sitting there eating both! Haha. Martin was like "what am I suppose to eat?" and I'm like "uh... I dont know?!" hahaha!! Hella fat. I was hungry! Went to my bead store and I picked up some stuff for Audrey's necklace that she mentioned. Gonna see if I can pull it off. Went to Kohls and returned those damn heel's! Headed to Elroy's. Everyone was just lounging around, which was cool. Sat around with my cousins and watched the Food Network. Then headed out to get some groceries at Wal Mart. Had some Fro-Yo and some more Panda Express haha!

I did a spider check last night (yes, I do spider checks) and I thought things were all good. Well around 3AM-ish there was a huge spider crawling up my wall!!! I sprayed his ass but he fell (and I heard him hit the floor) and I look behind my desk and he was running around!! So I sprayed him again and got him! UGH UGH UGH!!!! Where do these fuckers hide?! Seriously!! I have so much clutter around my desk and in my room in general. I always say I'll clean it out and I never do. It's so hard to let things go!! Like my makeup sale, I'm having a hard time parting with things. Even though I've never used them. How silly, right?



The best remedy for waking up on a Monday morning with your period.

The cramps are already here, but I dont give a fuckkkkkk. This is healing my emotions right now! Oh God. I need to stock up on this!

Yet, I still keep trying.

Ever since I was a kid I always wanted to draw. I always wanted to make things. I always wanted to be artsy and I never really understood why I was so obsessed with something I'm not good at. I'm not the artist in the family, my brother is. I'm the writer. Even when I got older and I was really into web and graphic designing, I was always better at web designing than graphic. I cant blend for shit lol. I know I suck at anything having to do with being crafty. And even now, I want to make charms. I want to make jewelry. I want to be better at graphic design. And even though for the last 3 months I've been attempting and everything being an epic fail I still wake up everyday wondering what I can do to improve it. Where did I go wrong the day before.

And sometimes it drives me nuts that all I ever think about is what I could be making right now. Why? Why is something I suck at constantly on my mind?

Martin and I had a talk once, about people who inspired us when we were younger. He had a friend who could do something he couldnt do and he had spent a lot of time with his friend trying to get him to do it and it just never happened but growing up, it became a goal for him and even now, til this day its still a goal of his. So I thought back to when I was a kid...

I spent a lot of time in the garage during the late afternoon. I spent a lot of time in there because my grandpa was always painting. And I spent a lot of time with him when he was. Bugging him, asking him random questions or just talking. I dont have a lot of vivid memories, but this is one of the ones I do have. The smell of oil paint, the sun coming in from the open side door, my grandpa holding his breath every time he painted the details. I remember after bugging him for MONTHS he finally let me paint the sky on something he was working on. I remember he cut up some wood pieces for me and my brother to paint too. If he wasnt painting something, he was making something. We still, to this day use a lot of things he made. His paintings are still up in my room and around the house.

He always inspired me to be creative. He always made things look so easy. And I wish he was still here, maybe I wouldnt be so stumped when it comes to creating things. And of course, the doll house he promised to make me before he passed away.

The discouragement tonight will pass, and I'll wake up tomorrow ready to try again.