Waiting.

Yesterday Martin left for MEPS, he said that the exams could take all day, so I'm waiting for his call. He texted me at 4:40AM-ish saying they were playing my favorite movie "Best Friends" where he was and from 5AM to 12PM I woke up every hour checking my phone to see if he texted me again, even though phones arent allowed at the exam. I'm curious, nervous and excited to know what job he picked and when he'll be leaving for basic. Though 30 hours away from each other really sucks and we're able to talk/text. How am I gonna go six weeks without hearing one word from him? How am I gonna go eight and a half weeks without seeing him? God! I sound like one of those super clingy dependent girlfriends who should really get an effen life. It's really grossing and disturbing me. I use to be so independent, but of course. That's gonna be left for another entry.

Dont you hate when you have this great, epic, perfect entry pieced together in your head and you go grab some lunch or take a quick shower and poof the epic great entry is... gone? I think sometimes I should jot down key points, topics, etc... but I mean would the entry still flow if I'm not in that mind set anymore?

Random fact: I had a "forever scab" growing up on my right leg. Well I got bored and picked it off a few days ago (for the first time in probably 10 years) and now its gone! Its not back yet and its kinda freaking me out =(.

I was suppose to hang out with my bestie yesterday but it didnt work out, is it bad that I was a little sad? Actually, I was really sad. It kinda reminded me of how alone I am without Martin and without Flix here any more, it makes me worry about my sanity when he leaves for basic. I'm sure I'll be fine, I mean, I dont have much of a choice... but it just sucks not having anyone to talk to or hang out with any more (again, another entry on another day). Am I really better off than all the popular kids who still have all their friends?

Martin mentioned leaving in January instead and I broke down and cried. He'll miss my birthday. I hate my birthday. The only reason why I celebrate it is because Martin forces me to. And I'll be turning 25 this year. I've been dreading turning 25. I'm suppose to have a degree by 25. I'm suppose to at least know where I'm going at 25. And I'm just disappointed in myself that I dont. I dont have anything. I have experience in a job that cant even land me a decent job at a bank but everyone else who doesnt have my experience get hired at banks all the time. I always joked with people saying if I'm not graduated by 25, I'm going to kill myself. It kinda wasnt a joke. I'm going be half way to 50. Its just a depressing age in general! And its not like I didnt try. I just suck when it comes to college. Seriously. Martin joining the AF makes me feel like I still have 4 years to fix it. Even though, I'll be 29 by then *sigh*. It just sucks that if hes not going to be here, I'm probably going to end up just sleeping the day away. I dont have anyone else to hang out with.

Speaking of, he has to pick 5 jobs and he picked his 3 computer jobs. And he told me he was considering taking mental health and I was like "that's what I would take if I was capable of joining the USAF" and he was like "I know, that's why I want to take it too. I want to know whats wrong with my baby too" that made me tear. He'd sit and read OCD self-help books with me everyday because I was too scared to go to therapy and he'd sit and read with me for hours trying to understand it too. Until I eventually ended up going to therapy and hes been to every single therapy appointment I've ever gone to. Every time its over hes there to give me a hug and ask me how it went. He also is considering taking something else, I dont remember the exact name but he mentioned that he'd be able to get a degree in hotel and restaurant management with it. Which was my first major. And he was like "I wanna learn how to cook and teach you too, I know you'd like that". And I was telling him not to pick just anything cause hes gonna be stuck with that job for 3 years, but he was telling me its things he'd like to get into. And it just made me cry. Does that make me sound lame? How did I end up so lucky?

I'm sorry this entry isnt too happy either. I think I'm just under the weather. I dont really know exactly why, I'm not too sad about him leaving soon. Unless its one of those subconscious things. Sorry I havent really been commenting on everyone's journal's. I've been reading them! I just... well you know. I'll stop saying sorry now.

Thanks for all your support girls. I really really do appreciate it.

Domain & layout troubles.

I finally got around to attempting to make my domain layout/banner today and I hated it! I hate when I make something & I hate it. It discourages me and I most likely give up. I know, not the best way to go about things, right? Then again I cant just expect to make something amazing if I havent even attempted to make a layout or banner for the last four years. I think I just expect too much out of myself.

::sigh:: back to the drawing board....

I've been obsessed with "I'll Forgive You" by Bobby Valentino && "Jai Ho!" by Pussycat Dolls (thanks to my bestie!). Seriously, only things I listen to. Oh and "Last Chance" by Ginuwine annnnd I found my favorite version of Mambo, Italiano. So that was pretty exciting. Dont you just hate when you love hard to find songs? It gets a bit frustrating at times.

I havent had much to blog about... life isnt to exciting these days...

I finally paid off my school fee's the other day. That I owed from last semester. I know. Walking away saying "fuck that I aint payin shit" probably isnt the best way to go LOL. So I went and paid that off & I signed up for summer school classes. I'm listed for the one I wanted and I'm wish listed on the other one I want... I know I should take some GE, but I'm too scared to, to be honest! I'm horrible when it comes to college. But I'm determined to make things right (dont I say that every semester? Hopefully I mean it this time...) even if it means asking Bernard for help/studying in his living room. I'm sure he wont mind!

Oh! The other day I gave in and I GOT WICKED TICKETS!!!!!!!!! I got the day, time and price I wanted! So I'm pretty excited about that!!

Downside of the week/end? A second credit card got its limit lowered. I was starting to think I did something wrong til Sammie sent me an article about how 1 in 6 american's are dealing with this problem (but it happened to me twice, wtf?!). So I'm not too worried about it. It just sucks they switched my limit in the middle of my billing cycle, so its "over". Even though I didnt receive this letter they speak of. Its funny how they can email you offers and coupons but they snail mail you the important shit like oh, I dont know... lowering your credit limit?! Gee, thanks.

Yesterday I gave in and ended up buying the Gossip Girl season finale. I told myself I was gonna watch Season 1 and watch Season 2 when it comes out and wait to watch the finale then, but everyone was talking about it so I just gave in and watched it. And I really liked it! Blair and Chuck are the hottest couple ever!

Screw Edward Cullen, I need me a Chuck Bass!!!

Me and the bestie were talking last night. And I was saying "I like when a guy does you wrong then runs back saying how much they need you and how sorry they are, then does it again and creates this endless heartbreaking cycle" and she was like "oh, you mean assholes?" and I was like "YES! I LOVE THAT!" hahahhaa. Its true, guys are attracted to bitches and girls are attracted to assholes! Maybe that's why I was so stuck on CJ (sorry CJ, but you know its true. You were a total asshole but its okay I still *heart* you LOL). Maybe the reason for me is different than everyone else. I dont take a lot of things seriously, and I dont know, I just love when they run back and admit how wrong they were and how they realize how important you are to them. Just the fucked up-ness of it all. Is hot haha. Plus nothings better than making up after breaking up. Right?! Sometimes I think I should still be going around making mistakes instead of being with one person for so long. But at the same time, I think I've done enough damage to my name lol. Besides, I would really miss Martin. Which kinda makes me gag to actually say that. I know, I know. We've been together for five years and I'm still super anti-relationship-ish. Crazy, I know.

Totally off subject, but I've been super addicted to ELF lately. Like, as soon as I got hooked on their Studio Brushes, I've been making orders from them like crazy! But then I always get those 50% off codes and stuff, so that might be why. They released a new collection, I forgot what its called... Sugar Kiss or something? I wish they'd add more things to their Studio Collection! I hope they do! I finally found the lipstick color I've been searching high and low for at MAC (it isnt the exact one since the one I had wasnt MAC, but it matches from what I remember) and I got a Paint Pot, just to see what its all about. I didnt get the one that I assumed I'd get, but its okay.

That's about all thats been goin on!

San Jose with Sammie & Martin =].

Yesterday was Sammie's only free day so we drove out to South City to go pick her up and she had this huge pink Juicy Couture bag with her. She mentioned she was going to mail my gift some time last week but judging by how heavy it was, that woulda been a shit load of shipping!! Haha. So we headed out to Palo Alto to take her to Sprinkles. Made a quick stop to Sony Style and Sephora before heading to Sprinkles. I ended up getting Cinnamon Sugar, Red Velvet, Banana and Dark Chocolate Banana. We ate there, I had the Dark Chocolate Banana and babe had the Banana. OMG, I think I've found a new favorite! It was delicious. The frosting and banana went SO well together.... okay I think I'll save that for my food blog LOL.

Anyway, after that we headed to Valley Fair. Went to Bare Escentuals first and I got those eye make up remover q-tips ($5! I've been missing out!) finally!! I found them!! Thanks Sammie! Haha. And I also finally got my brush for my crease. Yay! We also got a free sample of Hydrating Mineral Veil. I'm excited to try it since my skin is always so dry. After that, we headed to the food court to get something to eat. Then to Nordstroms, then to Lush (and she gave me half of her Honey I Shrunk the Kids soap! Aww, how sweet!) then to MAC (didnt get anything, booo) and a few other stores... then to Sephora (didnt get anything there either... booo!) after Valley Fair I brought her to Pinkberry. Tried to find somewhere to have dinner and decided on Quickly's back in Daly City.

So we headed out to Daly City and walked over to Chase then to Avon (which was closed, darn) and stopped by this little Asian store and got some gummy choco's and some dried octopus legs, yum! Quicklys was pretty good, they had a large selection and their bento boxes were pretty good. And they had Udon! Haha. After that we dropped Sammie off and headed home. Me & Martin stayed up wayyy too late the night before so we were both really tired by the middle of the day LOL. Like, I was getting super sleepy. And it was hot, so I guess that didnt help either!

I got home and made a video of me opening my gift since Sammie wanted me to and OMGGGG. OMG! OMG OMG! Haha. She gave me so much stuff!!! I'll take pictures of everything and post it later, but OMG! I think my favorite part of it all was the note on the Serendipity napkin (the only free part haha, sorry chick!). It was sweet! But I did LOVE everything she gave me! OMG haha. My battery died before I got to the last part of the gift and of course, you cant remake opening a gift video! Haha. So its okay! I'll just post the last part in pictures. But aww, I feel so spoiled! Thanks Sammie!!!

I went to bed early last night cause my allergies were kicking my ass. I woke up feeling like shit still, ugh. My throat hurts, I'm all sniffly and its HOT!!! Having massive allergies with flu like symptoms and it being hot is never a good thing. Then again, I always get sick in the summer.

Today I plan to clean my room and fix up my web page, this project is so damn discouraging.

I need to figure out school stuff too, and I'm so scared I'm making the wrong choice all the time, dont you hate when that happens? *siiiigh*.

It's a wonderful life, isnt it?

I wish life was as simple as the quote I repeat to myself.

"Life's simple, you make choices and dont look back".

I wish it was that simple.

Life has hit a rather rough speed bump. Its not a horrible speed bump, but it does bother me. To the point where I broke down and cried the other night and called my bro Ralphie. I sitting there crying for a few minutes and the whole time he was like "what's wrong?" "whats goin on with you man" and I was like "one minute...its... a little hard to talk and cry" LOL. Had a wonderful 3 hour conversation with him (sayin wonderful and conversation makes me feel old lol) and I felt so much better when I got off the phone. Putting into consideration a few things he said, mostly about God and stuff. Which surprises me, considering I'm not religious.

Life is all about speed bumps. Its all about walls that try to prevent you from going where you need to go. And really its up to you to sit there and wait for the wall to move or for you to move that mothafucker yourself.

And normally I'm the person who wont hesitate to push you the fuck back. So it disappoints me that I'm sitting here, waiting for some knight in shining armor to help me. Just because I put on make up does not mean I'm some bubble headed damsel in distress.

In other news, my mom loved her gift. I wrote her a letter and she wrote me back =). My OCD's been acting up again, I'm tryin to get things under control because if I dont, that shit will spread like wildfire and I'm not down for that all over again. I did so well containing it last year and ugh, whatever. Pushing back. I love my mama.

Me: Mama, my OCD's getting worse again...
Mama: Is that why you're shopping a lot again? Aw, its okay. Just relax, take it one day at a time.

I her.

I need to stop texting people while I'm half asleep, seriously. Oh and Joey's been asking to go play DDR with him the last few days... hm. Odd.

Life & all of its wonderful struggles...

First of all, there's nothing I hate more than breaking down. And second of all I hate breaking down in front of other people. Seriously. Hate. It.

I had an insanely long conversation with my bro last night and I feel SO much better. I'm not... hm. I dont know how to word this. I grew up to believing in God and going to church and the day I decided to go to therapy for my OCD was the day I decided to stop believing in God. I mean it wasnt just a sudden choice, I thought it through for a couple months and when I had made the decision, I felt guilty about it for the longest time. I felt like, if I stopped believing in God, I was giving up the fact that I might never see my grandpa again. And I felt like I was basically saying "I'm willing to give up ever seeing you again to fix whats wrong with me". And to me, I felt like once I made the choice to change my religion, I can never come back. There are a million reasons why I didnt want to be Catholic anymore. One being that ever since I was little, the religion just never seem to fit me. If that makes sense. And because one of my most persistent OCD's was intrusive thoughts having to do with hell and the devil and all sorts of other weird ass shit. And sure enough, when I stopped believing in heaven and hell, the intrusive thoughts went away. The ones related to that anyway.

But my bro said something interesting yesterday. He said "Let go and let God" and at first I didnt really understand what that meant, until he explained it. And it made total sense to me. Life is an endless struggle, and its hard to take on life by yourself. And maybe God does answer our questions, and maybe it is up to us to listen for the answers. Of course its not going to be in big flashing neon lights. He's God, not the Genie.... and my name is Hazel, not Alaadin.

Anyway, those of you who know me, know how hell bent I am on being independent. At ALL times. Asking God for help wouldnt be something I'm willing to do. Like I said, life is a struggle and it IS hard to take on, by yourself. But I'm so determined to do just that. I cant really explain why, but I just know that's exactly what I want to do. And yes sometimes I sit around and think "damn, I could use some help" but I'll never ask for it. I went to church once, with Ralph and the pastor was talking about independence and I wish I could remember what he said, because that too, made total sense. But yet, there's always that voice in the back of my head telling me "no, dont trip, you got this!"

So I'm in the middle of probably the hardest challenges I've ever given myself. At first it sounded easy, totally can make it happen. But honestly, I've been super discouraged for the last month. I know I'm expecting too much out of myself and I need to realize that it's been five years since I've done shit like this, I cant just jump back on it like I wasnt gone for five years! Yet I still beat myself up about it. I know its not IMPOSSIBLE, but at the same time, I gotta slowly get back in it. Everything else will fall into place, if it works out, it works out. If it doesnt, it doesnt. Everything happens for a reason and everything in life is a learning lesson. I'm starting to lose sight of that, and I cant figure out why.

Success is my only mothafuckin option, failure's not.