Life just is.

Sometimes life gets a hold of me and sometimes it reminds me of my reality. And everything comes crashing down. And its so hard to push it away to remind myself that this doesnt have to be my reality anymore. I'm old enough to make my own, to fix my own life the way I see fit. And I thought by now I would have, I had been planning to for so long... but its not. I'm nearing my mid-twenties and nothing has changed. Maybe that's why I dont feel like I'm my age, maybe that's why I still feel like I'm 18. Cause nothing has changed.

I worry about you and I dont know if I should anymore. Its been five years since we last talked, and I cant help but sometimes worry. And I cant tell you how hard it is not to text you to see if you're okay late at night. Or to knock on your door and ask you if you want me to get you anything on my way out. You hate me, I get it. You've always hated me. Our entire childhood. I get it. I dont understand why or what I did that was so wrong and honestly, I dont think you do either. And I try not to worry. I try not to care. And some days its hard not to, like today. And I wish I could ask you if you're okay. But I know you wont care that I care. So I dont ask.

Its hot today, and I wish it wasnt. I'm over this heat. My fan is blowing hot air at me. My parents are both taking naps (thats how you know its hot, when both your parents end up napping for no reason). I should be getting ready to go to dinner with the boyfriend, but I'm just not in the mood anymore.

On a lighter note, I had a good random day in Oakland and Alameda yesterday. Going to places of his childhood again. Beautiful shopping centers, beaches with seashells and clear water (and lots and lots of gnats... damn them for ruining the prettyness of the beach), Panera Bread dinners at sunset next to a fireplace, trying disgusting fish oil chews that look/smell like Starburst (oh what a lie!)... it was a nice day out. Wish everyday could be like that.

Holidays.

I think I got the previous problem fixed. I scanned my PC two more nights in a row and now everything should be good. I finally got around to updating my food blog, I'm so sad I've been neglecting it. I need to update my Flickr and my domain too. Keeping up with too many blogs is such a hassle. But so much fun at the same time.

I need to back up my files too, thinking about reformatting my entire PC, its been a year since I've had it and I figure I might as well before it beats me to it and crashes, right? Cause no one likes it when their PC's crash... its just that... all my video games!! Like FFXI, Asda Story, Runes of Magic, Luna... I dont wanna re-downloading them all over again and have to go through the updates. Especially FFXI, their update is freakin 14hrs long. I hate dealing with that stupid update! But I figure I should reformat this thing soon.

Its starting to feel more like fall, but the heat is still... going strong. I can not wait until it starts to get much cooler around here! Trying to sell off a bunch of makeup/stuff since I'm moving next year and I obviously cant bring my whole room with me. It's just hard parting with things. I'm one of those people that even if it has slight sentimental meaning to it, I wont throw it out. Like seriously, I still have the outfit I wore on me and my boyfriend's first date around here somewhere. No lie. I havent worn it in like 4 years but I cant just throw it out, you know?! I dont know... blah!

Super excited for this weekend! Trying out Melting Pot with one of my good friends and going to see Wicked. After that, counting down the days til Martin leaves. Not sure if I'm gonna drop him off the night before he leaves or stop by the morning he leaves to see him swear in before leaving. Its just that, that's at 9AM and where hes gonna be is a 2hr drive from where I am. So that means I'm gonna have to wake up super early and I have no one to come with me (I have this insane fear of driving on the freeway alone). So, I dont know =( but I do want to be with him right before he leaves, you know? *sigh*.

I'm so thankful that one of my good friends always ends her sentence with "its okay! we'll figure something out...!" its nice to know shes excited to help me through this. I know, sounds weird right? But, she gets it. And I'm glad she does. Only sucks that she lives way across the bridge from me and my other really good friend lives an hour or two away from me! Damn you guys! Its okay though. Argh, I hate thinking about him leaving, I get all sad!

So its... Labor Day? And I dont know what that means lol. My family isnt too big on holidays. All I know is that its a day that would be a bad idea to go out so its a stay-home-holiday LOL. My favorite hosting company had a promo and I missed it by 2 hours but I tried it anyway and it worked! So I'm excited, I'm going to be setting up a blog/site for me and Martin. Yay! Did laundry today... yep. Hellur exciting right? Haha. I need to clean out this room. My desk is making me feel very... distracted. OH! One of my necklaces fell and so I tried to fix it and ALL of my necklaces ended up tangled together. I'm so bad. I just left the clump on my desk. Trying to untangle that crap is going to suck!

Trojan's.

I scanned my PC last night and woke up this morning to my virus scan (McAfee) saying it found 24 trojan's. Two of which were linked to my online game. Wtf?! I'm so sad it found trojan's... I've had this PC for a year and managed to not get any. It's like every time I get a PC that has a virus, I dont wanna use it anymore. Even if it is quarantined. What if it escapes?! =(

UGH. Stupid internet and your stupid viruses! This didnt start happening til I started using Google Chrome! Does anyone know if it's protected against viruses? Cause I know my Mozilla has a bar at the bottom that tells me if a site is or isnt infected. Blah!

Getting my hair done...

Every time I get my hair done I always have to get it re-done because it
somehow ends up messed up. Blah. Being under the heater makes me sleepy.
Martin's 10 feet away from me playing his new PSP game. I'm glad he
remembered his PSP or he woulda been bored lol.

Blogging on a sidekick is a bit hard. My thumbs already ache!! Haha
crazy. I think my hair dressers trying to fry my hair. I've been under
here for half an hour already!

Gotta make a few stops for some jewelry supplies today. Have a few
requests to fill. Hopefully I find what I'm looking for.

Read a sad email Martin wrote me last year to try to pass time... I
forgot how sad it was. On the verge of crying at the hair salon isn't
the best idea lol. There are people here!! I hate when my friends just
assume Martin & I just always get along. Cause at one point we didn't.
At one point our relationship was beyond horrible and I just hate when
people assume we're effortless. Things honestly weren't fixed til the
beginning of this year. And we've been together for 5 years. So there
was a lot of learning going on. *sigh*.

In happier news.....! We picked up my ring today! They got it down to a
3! It fits perfect. And its really pretty! But he won't let me have it
til he proposes. Lameee haha. I can't wait for my official one (this one
is a temp. I don't get my official one til next month after he
leaves)!!

Its kinda crazy to think we're really getting married!! And kinda scary!
The time is passing too fast! But I love my boo bear & I wouldn't trade
him or any of our fucked up struggles for anything.
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

I thought the heat was over!

It was super cold last night and now today its really really warm. I'm not gonna say hot cause its not super I-cant-breathe hot but its between really warm and lightweight hot. Point is, its not cold! Wth!

I had some Micky D's today and its not agreeing with my stomach. Lately nothing I've been eating has been. I think I have a lightweight stomach flu or something. Its really frustrating. Or maybe I just need to stop drinking soda cause my stomach hurts really bad when I drink soda these days too. Sick almost. Its just hard when your parents buy a billion boxes of soda. I know its cheaper, but damn.

Had my first argument with my bestie last night. I think she's making the worst choice of her life and its not like me to butt in someones life and be like "excuse me, but that's a dumb move" but I'd just hate to see her do something stupid. She always says that she dates assholes but if you think about it... look at where she meets these guys! She finally finds someone who could be really good to her and shes being stupid. Argh, just makes me mad. I know it shouldnt and it is her life but you know, shes my best friend. I just want her to be happy too. It only took us 10 years to finally have an actual argument where I was actually yelling at her. I'm glad she doesnt hate me for it, and she was actually considering what I was saying... and whining LOL. And it hit a point where she was like "dude, you're tired of arguing with me, arent you?" and I was like "yeah sometimes I just hit a point where I'm like you know what fuck it do what you want" and shes like "yeah, I can totally tell" haha!

I went through a bunch of my makeup bags and I found some more stuff I'm wiling to get rid of. There's still more but I havent gotten that far into my closet just yet. I'm also going to be selling DVD's/CD's/video games but that's gonna take a whole 'nother day to sort though. So far I have one movie up for sale. I just gotta edit the pictures (dont you hate when on camera they dont look dark but on the PC, they look darker?) and post them. So check my blog sale for new items! All this stuff is either again not used, swatched a few times or used once.

Had a hit of inspiration this morning for some Disney inspired jewelry. So I'm on the hunt for a couple of findings/crystals and I'm going to write it down this time so I dont forget!! So, hopefully in a week or two I'll have some new Disney inspired up on my crafts blog. I'm thinking of what I'm going to release for my Fall set but nothing is coming to mind right now. I might have to scatter my crystals around and hope that something hits me. I just gotta get something new up soon.

I'm hungry =( but I'm scared nothing's going to agree with my stomach right now. The thought of food is making my stomach curl. Ugh.

I have this fear of getting cavities (part of why I'm so bent on not drinking soda anymore) and even after I have a cavity filled, I still think its not and it'll still ache. I guess cause I still think about it constantly. And I mean constantly. So I set an appt next week and since my insurance ran out when I turned 23, its going to cost $266 for an xray, cleaning and fluoride. Insane right? I need insurance. Martin needs to hurry up and marry me! Haha. I think thats one of the things he's gonna say to my parents when he talks to them later this week "you know, I can pay her bills -- cause we all know how bad those are... and she'll get insurance -- cause we all know how she's constantly sick..." haha. He's the best. He's already told me I have no choice, I have to get eyesight surgery. And I'm terrified, but he thinks I'll go blind. He's also going to find a way to fix my back (I have an extreme bad habit of slouching). But I do love that he cares about my health so much. I'm going to really miss him when he leaves. Who am I gonna call in the middle of the night when I have bad dreams, paranoia or intrusive thoughts? *sigh*. OCD + your support system gone = not a good thing. But he's being strong for us, so I have to be strong too. It's only fair.

Friday Five!

Yay!!! I remembered! =D

1. How’s your tolerance for alcohol?

Not sure, higher than I remember since it takes more than one Smirnoff to get me buzzed anymore. I stopped drinking a lonnng time ago though. I think the last time I drank was Aug 7th 08'.

2. How’s your tolerance for noisy neighbors?
Not sure, I've never really had noisy neighbors.

3. How’s your tolerance for physical pain?
Extremely low. I hate physical pain. I'm such a pussy when it come sto physical pain (I think I'd pass out from pain if I were ever in labor. Seriously).

4. How’s your tolerance for intolerant people?
Low.

5. How’s your tolerance for bad music?
Very very low. I dont listen to the radio much anymore actually.

Wanna do Friday Five too? Visit this link: http://www.friday5.org

Ace, State Fair annnd..... the talk.

First of all, today's my dad's birthday!! I made him a key chain but I was in such a hurry since I came home late last night from the CA State Fair that I didnt get a chance to take pictures (or put the last biocone on it, darn).

So yeah, yesterday was the State Fair! We look forward to this every year and sadly, this is our last CA State Fair. We start off the day at Arden Mall (OMG I was so excited they had my Ruby Thai place there!!) and we got a Build-A-Bear! We were due, we get one every other year I think. We have really weird traditions that happen on accident. I really wanted the Autumn bear after Barbz had mentioned it. So, that's what we got. I dont think I'm gonna post every picture from the State Fair. I didnt get to splurge on yummy fair food because they didnt have a big selection this year (I wanted the deep fried smores, but that's not extreme or fun!) and because my stomach hasnt liked anything I've been eating lately. We also got there later than usual and didnt have time to do everything we wanted =(. I did get a chance to practice my photography, I dont know where my shutter speed option is so... that really sucks lol.

Here's Ace, naked.


Yay!! All dressed up in his uniform!

A pin we got from the USAF table at the fair.

I picked out the bear, and Martin dressed him and named him. "See, now you'll remember exactly when I left" lol. Fall has a whole new meaning now, doesnt it? I love Fall, Fall reminds me of Martin. And this is the first Fall I'll have in the last six years without him. And he's gonna be gone for our first date anniversary! I know, its silly I celebrate that right? But hey it was an epic turning point in my life. Seriously.

So, The Talk. I was doing my laundry this morning, you know. Minding my own business... and my mom goes "so... are you guys getting married" I shrugged and try to play it off. But I'm horrible at lying! I use to be so good at it! Now I feel so guilty! My former best friend told me it was a shitty trait. Being honest. Sometimes I agree, sometimes I dont. Depends I guess. Anyway, I ended up telling her our plans and she said the same thing as Martin "for now you can just sign papers at a court house" NO MOTHER, I CANT. Argh! I told her if I'm gonna be rushed into it, I'll be rushed into it with at least SOME class. I want it to be at least a little special. But she's happy, actually she looked excited. She was like "we just want someone who will take care of you and Martin has". It meant a lot to me that she said that. I told her I felt too young to get married and she laughed at me! My mom laughed at me! Her reply was "well, you guys have been together for a long time". How is this funny mother?! It almost felt like she was saying "okay, you can go off and play" type of thing. They know we're never apart. And I'm sure my parents can tell how hard I'm going to take him being gone. I'm sure they're preparing themselves for this. My mom finds me predictable, its probably because she's my mother. But I'm happy she does. I told her I didnt want to leave home and she kept telling me it was okay. Everything will be fine. And she promised to watch my kitty and puppers while I'm gone. Well, they're the family pets but you know, I spend a lot of time with them. It was an awkward talk, but I'm glad she's happy for me. I told her Martin still wanted her permission and she kept saying "we're okay with it" and I was like "hes asking anyway!"

This is just.... awkward lol.