Busy busy busy!

My wedding is in a few days. A. FEW. DAYS. As in... today next week, I'll be married. That is so insane to think about! I'm seriously freaking out. I feel like I'm too young (even though I'm not), I'm not ready, etc etc. He's excited though, isnt it suppose to be the other way around?! Isnt that guy suppose to be nervous and the girl's suppose to be excited?! Goodness. I know why I hate the idea of marriage so I guess it's no surprise I feel like this. But I am excited to be marry him. It's just so weird, I cant help but think back to when we were just friends trying to piss each other off at school. And to when we started getting closer and he'd tell me everything to the first hug, the first time we held hands and our first kiss.

He's still my best friend after all these years, he's literally my best friend. I tell him everything. He reads me so well and sometimes that can suck but most of the time, its comforting to know someone cares about you enough to be concerned about how you feel.

With the wedding coming up quick, we havent even packed! I dont even know what I'm going to pack! I have a ton of things to do, and no time to do them (I blame Christmas for taking up two days lol). Hopefully I get everything done before we leave!

Christmas Eve is tomorrow. Can you believe that? It's already Christmas! December went by so fast! I didnt even get a chance to enjoy it! Christmas shopping is done and I feel pretty accomplished. Finished wrapping gifts last night, so thank goodness for that! I hope next year I can actually enjoy Christmas =)

GMH.

I discovered GMH on tumblr last night. And I cant stop reading it!

The world can be a harsh and unforgiving place and sometimes you cant help but wonder why you're even here. Or how things can possibly even get better. But for me, on the days when I lost all hope in people, a random stranger always changes that.

I remember being angry one day and I just wanted to get out of the house. I found myself at Albertsons looking for chips to snack on while I sit in my car and mope. An elderly man joined me, searching for his favorite chips and struck up a conversation with me. For no reason. That conversation, lifted my spirits. And every time I'm in that chip isle, I always think of him!

I worked at Linens N Things for 9 months. And working in retail can be horrible sometimes, customers can be rude for no reason. I was having a bad week, I dont remember why. Maybe fighting with my boyfriend and getting crap at work and dealing with OCD... but I answered the phone one day. The lady on the other end of the line was setting up for an event and she was looking for a certain type of table cloth. I'm not really allowed to leave my register but no one else was around and the table cloth was placed in a section across from me during that time so I figured I'll just go look, I had nothing better to do. I came back and told her I found what she was looking for. She kept saying thank you and insisted that she reward me. I told her it wasnt a big deal, I was just doing my job and she told me that it didnt matter and wrote down my name. I came back to work the next day and there was a card waiting for me at my register. It was from her. Telling me thank you and it had a $10 bill in it. I kept that card with me and when I was having a rough day, I'd open it and read it.

There are other times when customers would say something or even just strike up a conversation with me while I was ringing up their things that would brighten my day. One lady commented on how tiny my hands were, I told them I hated that they were tiny. She looked me, smiled and said "well, I think they're beautiful".

And of course, my long lost brother stopping by after not seeing him for almost a year (due to our busy-ness) to give me a gift. His gift was what I needed, though I know he was in more need than I was. Bro, you should know that you just being in my life is enough. But thank you for always going beyond.

Reading this site made me think of all the times a random stranger or a friend did something that was above and beyond and as much as I spend time hating how messed up this world is, maybe it isnt as messed up as we all think it is, maybe the messed up part is the only part we're really exposed to. And that in itself, is a shame.

I recently realized how tiring and how pointless it is to be angry and to hate the world and how the more negativity you put out, the more you're welcoming in. Last year, I joined To Write Love On Her Arms, an organization that I strongly believe in. This year, I joined ItStartsWithUs. I love what they stand for and though the world might not be all saved, I'm all for making someone's day or week brighter by sacrificing my time or my extra few dollars. Knowing I brought someone happiness, makes me happier than I could ever imagine being.

He's home! He's home!

Martin's been home for almost a week now, which might explain my MIA-ness. I know I've been away from the internet and believe me, I miss it too! Been spending time catching up with Martin and taking care of him, he's a little sick since I guess he's adjusting to the time zone and weather here. He's also been catching up on sleep, randomly lol. Which is fine, I'd imagine he'd be exhausted when he came home. He tried really hard to stay up when he got home even though his flight landed at midnight. But he had work that morning before they released him to go home. Poor babes.

I'm happy he's home now! We're still getting married (less than 23 days away, OMG!) and I dont know what we're going to do after that. We are going back to school and are going to have to find jobs. I've been avoiding going back to work because I just... blah. Cant. I feel like I'm wasting my life by working for some grumpy manager, you know? I dont really know how to explain it. I just feel like there's so much more to life. It just sucks that you cant really get anywhere without money. Lame! Haha.

It was suppose to snow here. It doesnt snow in CA! But apparently it snowed in the city my school is in and over closer to SF. Weak, I'm sure my town is too ghetto to get something cool like snow. Haha. But seriously, I've never seen real snow before so I was a little excited to see "snow" on the weather. But they did that last year and it didnt snow. I think I should move to Washington! Seriously.

I'll try to update more, I have a lot of things to get done this week and not enough time to do them all, which sucks. I know I should had finished all this stuff in November, but I was pretty busy that month too. One of these years I'll totally get into the holiday spirit, one of these years :)

A piece of me in: December 09'

Ah! I missed it by a day :(

This month....

I like: That Martin came home! GLEE! The Sweep book series. KFC Famous Bowls! And my hamster Boq =)

I don't like: They keep saying that there's going to be snow here and there never is! Grrr. That he got discharged so close to graduation day :( and that I have to walk down the isle for my wedding, blah!

I want you to know: I think I've completely lost interest in makeup, I know, shocking. But I havent had the urge to look at or buy makeup! Its insane.

I've planned: To stress as little as possible from now until after my wedding. And to make a new 43things list that I hope to complete by the end of 2010.

I want to say to someone special: You will never ever ever ever be a failure to me. You're still my airman and I'm still extremely proud of you. Always.

G L E E !

My newest obsession? GLEE.

Hottest cast ever. My fav's are Finn and Kurt! This show is so addicting. Musicals are definitely growing on me since I saw Wicked.

Speaking of, I totally feel like I'm cheating on Wicked by loving Glee. I'm sorry Wicked, you're not being replaced I promise!

Anyway...

Thanksgiving wasnt anything special. I just stayed home and read Sweep. Did some much needed room cleaning. And some online shopping. Thanksgiving online sales! Got a hoodie and a hat I wanted from AE and the next few Sweep books + another book + Glee soundtrack on Amazon. Black Friday I didnt go out that morning. But my bro did, he got a new laptop and printer. My parents got some stuff too. I went out that night and got One Tree Hill season 6 (for $12!), Friends season 9 (for $8!), and a few movies. That was about it. I didnt buy anything big or anything. I got Martin's DSi a few days earlier and I got a new digi cam (that was on super sale) a week ago so besides a flat screen tv there wasnt anything I wanted to buy and I cant get a flat screen tv cause I stack my DVD's on top of my tv now lol! I had it comin lol.

Yesterday my modem died. Like, completely. My brother woke me up asking if the internet worked and I didnt know what he was talking about, but I had a dream that there was a black out/earthquake and I thought there really was... but nope. Modem just decided to die. So I called my ISP and they said my warranty ended in 2006. Gee, thanks for letting me know! Grrr.

So I went to Best Buy to buy a new modem and I ran into a guy who was wearing Marine's blues that was playing with his hat and I couldnt help but stare. I love dress blues. I'm so sad I wont get to see Martin in his :( anyway, I got the modem and I got 3 DVD's that were $4 each. Whoot!

That's pretty much my weekend. Martin should be home within the next two days... or so they say. My hopes arent up. I waited all last week lol.

I need to clean out my closet and put up the Christmas tree, but man... I tried cleaning it yesterday and I dont know where to put any of that stuff. I have so much crap in my room and nowhere to put any of it! Blah!

16 minutes left.

I'm trying not to be bummed. Martin was suppose to come home today but he called this morning saying they called everyone's name but his. But they said they were going to try to get everyone who is discharged home today. If he doesnt call in (now) 15 minutes, he's not coming home today. And he'll have to wait until Friday =( I want him home now. I really really really hate this. I'm starting to think I shouldnt let him re-enlist. This is ridiculous.

Tomorrow's Thanksgiving and even though Thanksgiving has never been a huge holiday in this family I still try to stay positive and make a blog every year for things I'm thankful for.

• My wonderful fiance (who is annoying me with his negativity but he has a valid reason, this time)
• My amazingly supportive parents who've supported me during the time Martin's been gone
• Boq, the dwarf hamster my mommy bought me =)
• My extremely caring sister-in-law. I'm so lucky to not hate my sister-in-law lol
• My cat and dog, they always brighten my day
• Wicked of course haha!
• My real friends who've supported and comforted me while Martin's been gone
• Life and everything it has to offer, both the good and the bad
• Finding Nemo gummy multivitamin's cause man, they're delicious
• Books!
• Blogging!
• My new digi cam I bought myself =)
• Glee!
• For the new found ability to try to stay positive no matter what the situation
• My upcoming wedding and my parents who made sure it happened
• The fleece pj pants I got from Kohls
• The fleece hoodie I got from Kohls
• The new boots I got from Kohls
• KOHLS in general hahaha!
• Baskin Robbins Fudge Crunch Cake (makes everything better)
• The holiday spirit (its never too early to set up for Christmas!)
• Finding the perfect sugar cookie soaps for my wedding

I was hoping for a longer list, but everything else would be materialistic lol. Though the fleece pants, hoodie and boots are worth putting on the list cause man! Those fleece pants literally feel like heaters on my butt, the hoodie is super cozy and the boots are beauuutiful!

I should probably clean my room today since he's probably not coming home. I know he's going to be negative and upset and discouraged next time he calls and it really acts like a dark cloud over my positivity, he seriously needs to work on his outlook towards life. But, that's whole 'nother entry on its own.

Happy Early Thanksgiving!

Nervous day.

I'm having a nervous day lol.

Martin called me this morning to say there's a small chance he's coming home today and if not today he'll be home tomorrow. Oh no! My room is nowhere near cleaned because I've been running around with this wedding thing for like last month and a half (and actually, I have to be out the door in half an hour to do more wedding things)! I'm a little irritated about that. I was hoping to be organized and cleaned up by the time he came home! Yeah I totally just looked around my room and the only thing that came out of my mouth was "ughhh" hahaha!

I caught a glimpse of my wedding ticker (you know the type people have for their signature on forms?) and it says my wedding is almost a month away. I wont lie, I started to sweat a little lol. I'm completely nervous about this wedding! I absolutely hate attention, this is going to suck. The ceremony is suppose to take half an hour. Is there any chance we could cut that down to 15 minutes? Then again if you're paying $2000 I'm sure you'd want your full half hour, but I'm willing to let go half of it lol. I still feel like I'm too young to be getting married. Then again I assume I have the mind set of a 19 year old. Which in fact, I'm way over 19 lol.

Things will work out, they have to. In a way, this is for the better. His job wasnt what we thought it was and people decided to keep very important facts about it from us, which sucks. I'm actually glad he got discharged, I wouldnt want him in that situation. He tried to make sense of it this morning, maybe his theory is right. Maybe it just happened. Who knows, lets go with his theory because it makes me smile.

Yes, off to go run more wedding stuff and go enjoy some Gyoza, yummy salad and sushi with my sister.

He's getting discharged.

So I should had wrote about this when it happened but I just wasnt in the mood to talk. Dang, now I have to start from the beginning.

So on the 18th, I was suppose to see Wicked with my sister-in-law and I woke up with an ulcer. I thought I just had to poop (you know how sometimes that m

akes your stomach hurt) but it wasnt that. Then it hit me, it was an ulcer. I took some Tums (even though that doesnt help it but hey, I had hopes) and tried to tough it out cause I already paid $120 for these tickets the week before. So I drove to the Ferry Building and I can not tell you how painful the drive was. So we park and I already know I cant walk. And it was 10AM, the show wasnt until 2PM and I knew I was going to be in an insane amount of pain if I were to walk around SF. Which sucks cause I had plans to go places before the show. So I was really really sad. And Marissa was being super understanding, so thank goodness for that.

I called my dad and told him I wasnt able to drive home so he had to come get us. So he came to drive us home and got me some Won Ton Soup on the way home.

I get home and the soup did make me feel a bit better and I went to lay down and Marissa went to finish hot glue gunning the favors together (her and Martin dont let me near hot glue guns, grrr). Around 12PM my stomach started to feel better. I know, right? It would. Anyway, I went to look up designs for my hair and wedding cake. At 2PM I took this picture:

My phone says 2:02PM. I had a count down going. Marissa had to cover my eyes at 2PM lol! So we did what any sane people who missed Wicked did.

We played the soundtrack.

HAHA!

Probably not the best idea, but hey. It made us feel like we were there. Kinda.

Anyway, eventually I took a nap. When the ulcer fades I get a slight headache and chills. I was coming down with a fever and I was telling Marissa I was having chills so she took off her sweater and put it over me and its one of those thick wool type wrap things and OMG it was so warm that I instantly fell asleep.

Marissa woke me up cause my phone was ringing and you know how instantly you kinda just wake up when your phone goes off? Yeah. So I got up and no one said shit on the other line so I hung up and called the number back, no answer. So I got up to go pee and the phone rings and its Martin so I go back to the room and hes like "did you call me back?" and I was like "uh... maybe" lol!

But he called and he was like "I have bad news, I'm being discharged..." he sounded really sad and disappointed and I tried making him feel better. I know he felt defeated and I know how bad he wanted this, he was explaining to me why they were discharging him and they transfered him and he'll be home soon and to tell his family. I told him Marissa was there taking care of me. We called both of our mom's when I got off the phone with him.

I spent all yesterday moping around. Someone told me that the tendon actually takes only 3 weeks to heal and my mom (who's an RN) confirmed this so I thought there would still be hope and that he can come back in 6 months, not 2 years like they told him.

So he called me this morning (at like freakin 7:30AM, wth), again with the instantly waking up lol! I told him the good news but he said that since hes flat footed, and with this tendon, its reoccurring. Its not usually a chronic problem, but for him it is. He said they cant discharge him for flat feet and they cant discharge him for his tendon but since he has both they have to. And that it would take him more than six months to fix it. =( I tried. I asked him if he still wanted to get married and he was like "yes, I do" he sounded a little sad, I just wanted to make sure. I told him I talked to my mom last night and she said it was alright with her. He said he'd be home soon, hopefully before or after Thanksgiving.

We got to talk for 25 minutes and it felt like forever, it was kinda nice. He was laughing a lot more, so that made me happy. He was talking about his uniform and how he took his flight pictures already with his blues and his camos. And he said he was wearing his camos while he was talking to me and I was like "this is so unfair I wanted to see you in your camos" and he was like "yeah, I know, and to be honest I dont look bad in them" BITCH hahaha. I asked about his name tag and he was telling me he had some and he was like "I'm hella touching my uniform and pointing at it like you can see me" haha. But he has to return his blues and his camos. I asked him to ask if you can keep the hat. Cause I want his hat. And his name tag. I'm a sucker for military uniforms, but just certain pieces lol!

I was like "oh hey thanks for taking us to Todai last week" and he was like "you're.... I did what?" and he started laughing he was like "how do you just tell me that" hahaah! Hey, I have a problem with lying okay? Geez. And I was telling him how Marissa is harder on me than he is when it comes to spending money and a bunch of other things. It wasnt as sad as our usual conversations are, which was nice. He was like "I got your letter yesterday and how you were saying I'll do good and I was like aw fuck" haha!!

I miss him so much, I can not wait for him to come home even if it means he didnt graduate. We're still getting married, even if it means living away from each other... at home... with our parents... lol. We'll figure something out, we always do. Well hey, at least now I can move to Washington like I wanted right? lol. LETS HOPE.

He's still my Airman and I'm still so very proud of him. He'll get it right eventually and when he does, I'll be there besides him. My parents are for him trying again once he heals up too. And that makes me happy. Our lives are hard and we have a ton of bad luck, but we're so lucky to have such supportive families and people in our lives. Life may suck, but the people who pull you back up when you're down make life that much more brighter.

Damn OCD.

So I tried to do a book haul video, and since I was touching my books (which were packaged from Amazon.com and are fairly clean, dont you think?) I feel like my hands are contaminated and I feel like disinfecting them. My hands, not the books.

What bother's me is that lately, my OCD has been acting up and getting weirder. This time last year, I wasnt this freaked out about it. I thought I was getting somewhere! Then it came back, twice as hard. It's softened up a bit, but I guess the stress from the wedding and Martin's situation is causing it to act up.

I've been sitting here for about five minutes trying to convince myself that my hands are not contaminated and they're fine. And there's no reason to go wash/disinfect them. Seriously, its not that serious. And its just ridiculous having to do this and having to go through this. It makes no sense and though I'm over being mad at the fact I have OCD, its just man... tiring.

Its tiring being worried about the craziest things that make no sense. Its tiring fighting the urge to wash my hands. It's tiring trying to convince myself that its not dirty when clearly its not.

I use to be the chick who sat on the floor and on the sidewalk cause I hated sitting on chairs. I use to freely walk in my room with my socks and jeans on and not even care. I use to go straight to sleep after coming home from SF and being on BART that day. I use to be able to come home and go straight to sleep, period. Now I cant do any of those things. Ever. And after dealing with this for four years, its just. Tiring.

And yet, I'm still determined to fight this without medication. If my mind has the ability to be this strong to make me think these crazy thoughts then its just as strong to fight it off. And it will. Someday.

Cause you came and left...

Lately I have been addicted to "Just Go" by Jesse McCartney. I was listening to "The Best Day Of My Life" not realizing it was from A Cinderella Story and got excited with the biggest urge to watch it. Then I realized, I never got around to buying that movie. Even though it's one of my favorites (Hilary Duff is a guilty pleasure of mine).

Anyyywayyy....

Autumn! Oh me and Autumn, we have this really weird and super secret love/hate relationship. If I were ever to cheat on Martin, it would be with Autumn (can you cheat on someone with a season? Absolutely). Then I'd cheat on Autumn with Winter. I know, arent I scandalous?

I get into these crazy moods when the temperature starts to drop and the leaves go all... dead. And stuff. Haha. In my life, my previous boyfriends always managed to break up with me like right before the holidays. Trust me, it was fool proof. I always figured it was because they didnt wanna splurge on gifts for their girlfriend, who knows. But I guess that contributed to my crazy mood when it comes around this time of the year.

I get the craziest most intense urge to be independent. And alone. Til like, January haha.

I dont know, to me it feels like Autumn is the beginning of a fresh start. The air feels nicer against your skin and everything is crisp and refreshing. The plants are dying so they can start over again. And there's just something really refreshing and inspiring about that. I'm also one of those people who find colder weather to be more romantic. And its around the time I usually fall asleep watching Serendipity every night. Might explain the wanting to be alone/romantic statement, yah?

Ironically, me and Martin usually break up in November if we do break up. Though our break ups arent like normal people's break ups, they're very helpful. We tend to talk to each other a lot more when we break up. But it always, always lands in November. Again, fool proof. And we break up every other year. Fool proof! But now that we're getting married, what happens? We cant divorce every other year haha. I guess its good that he left this Autumn, it skips a year. But then it throws off our "fool proof" cause that means next year we'll get along since his presence was absent this year.

I'm sorry, is this a weird subject to be talking about? I actually brought this up with him and he usually denies we break up. Even though he always asks me back out lol, he's odd like that. But I'm very thankful he puts up with my crazy habits and ideas and all around just man-shes-not-making-sense-right-now. Though he did pick up a new habit of chanting "I love her" whenever I do something completely off the wall lol.

I was hoping to write a better blog about it than this, but mid-blog my mom knocked on my door and I lost my inspiration. I need to start blogging in my car, where no one can talk to me! I'm so foreal.

Speaking of, there was this huge spider crawling around my car door when me and Marissa got back from the Olive Garden so I handed her the disinfectant spray (I have OCD, I always bring disinfectant around with me) and instead of spray it away it caused the spider to slip through the door frame INTO the car so she opened the door and it was like, plopped into the rubber frame part and it had a web. The little sucker made a home in my door frame! Anyway, I forgot about it and I was cleaning the wedding stuff out of the car and I saw the web and freaked. Then I remembered that we killed that spider but man... that web looks like it was spun with glue. I'm so serious. I should take a picture tomorrow and show you guys. It's gross.

I hate spiders. Yuck.

To Write Love On Her Arms day.

Today is To Write Love On Her Arms day.

The first time I ever saw TWLOHA was at Hot Topic a year or so back. I was browsing the girl's shirts and I saw the tag sticking out of one and it definitely caught my attention. I pulled the shirt out and it was one of the plain black ones that have the logo on the top corner.

And the first thing that popped into my head was cutting. I read the tag and turns out, I was right!

Its an organization dedicated to stop cutting, depression and suicide. And since I discovered it, I've been a big fan of the organization. For a few months I was part of their Street Team but I suddenly got busy (of course) and I was dropped from the Street Team. Which is fine, I can always reapply and I do plan to, when all the crazyness slows down.

This organization hits so close to home because when I was in high school, I was suicidal. I dont think there was ever a day I didnt think about suicide and how much better things would be if I just ended it all. I cant really dig that far back since over the years I've blocked things from my memory but I was always depressed. I was always snappy and crying and I had an intense hate for the entire world and everyone in it. I did all sorts of stupid things to make me feel better, even if the feeling better only lasted a few minutes or hours and even if it meant being used.

And even after I realized that what I was doing wasnt making me feel better... I still did it because what else did I have? I cant say I was a cutter because I only cut once. But I spent a really big part of my teenage years angry and depressed.

And, I dont know how to say this without sounding like its bullshit or cliche but... when Martin & I got out of the friend zone everything changed. My entire life changed. I finally felt like someone really cared about me. Someone actually gave a fuck about me, you know? Not to say my parents didnt, but things were just... hard at home at the time. And knowing that someone really really cares about you is such a different and good feeling.

But its not just that or him. I chose not to be depressed anymore. And I know you cant just choose to not be depressed and magically it goes away. It takes work and it takes time. It takes a lot of time.

Depression is kinda like, a gate way drug. At least, in my life. I ended up with full blown OCD. Depression and OCD, they're in the same family and they just love to feed off of each other. The more depressed I was, the more OCD acted up and since OCD acted up, it made me even more depressed because man. OCD can be tricky to please. It was this never ending exhausting cycle. I figure if I kick one, I can somehow kick the other. So the depression had to go, and it took me a very long time to stop being depressed. I went to therapy and my first therapist told me I couldnt do it without medication. I've never believed that medication could heal depression. Even my current therapist (I still go sometimes, not as much as before. 3 years!) warned me it would be hard.

And one day I came in and told him I did it. And it felt great. I havent been depressed since.

I suppose since I had something greater and I was determined to get better, to show them that it is possible without medication, it pushed me to try harder. And there is hope. There is another way out besides suicide. And yes it takes a long time, and a lot of work but it is well worth it in the end. And I'm glad I didnt end it all on the nights I attempted to, because I would had never been able to see just how wonderful life can be.

So thank you Martin and thank you OCD, you're a pain in the ass but sometimes I think you're some weird fucked up blessing in disguise.

Splurged a bit on myself. Finally.

A lot of my funds and time have been going to the wedding. Which has been a semi bummer. I've been doing good with not stressing out too much over everything, but it has bummed me out that all these sales and new products are coming out and of course everyone setting up for the holidays and I havent had a chance to splurge on myself lately.

I had set aside some money for an itouch but realized, I didnt really need one right now. I just bought myself a Nano last year (I dont know what I was thinking by buying an 8 GiG ipod though, I have 1 GiG left)! And besides, I really just wanted it for the apps. Haha, I'm not going to lie! I've been wanting a new digi cam for awhile now, not that there's anything really wrong with mine. Its just a bit out dated and I know Martin doesnt have one. So I was planning awhile back (wayyy before he decided to enlist) to get a new camera and give him my old one. But he never let me. The camera I wanted went on sale recently (it dropped by like over $100) so I just had to get it. Besides, I think I'm worth it! Haha. So I went and got it today. The battery is still charging so I havent had a chance to play with it just yet. But, I'm pretty happy about that!

I was bummed that Barns & Nobles got rid of their Wizard of Oz/Wicked table! I was hoping to buy a Wicked shirt to wear when I see it next week (along with my green/black witch hat and my custom made "Wicked" necklace), but I went and it was all gone! Super bummed. I hope my necklace and hat will be fine (I need to find that hat). Also my Wizard of Oz comic still hasnt released even though it was suppose to on the 4th. Boo. Dont you hate when you drive kinda a long way to find something and... its not there anymore? Yeah, me too! Haha.

Went semi shopping for Marissa's tux/dress. We went to a tux place and the tux's didnt really fit her well so we went to the mall and tried looking for like women's business suits, but... I dont know. I thought it looked alright! We ended up just getting her a dress lol! Did I mention she's the best man? Yeah, we're doing things a bit backwards. Also he's walking down the isle, not me (he doesnt know this one yet but he will)! Hehe.

We went to go look for some last minute wedding decor stuff, and didnt find much. We did end up walking out of Kohls with a hoodie, socks, some snowflakes (decor) and perfume. Hey, they were having a sale! Haha. I couldnt find a clutch/wristlet that was just plain white. Kinda hard to believe!

We went to Bed Bath and Beyond, just because and I got to add more things to my registry! We got to have the scanner gun and run around the store scanning stuff. My registry is a bit, random... but we get 10% off if we purchase things from our registry (which might explain the shampoo and body wash, sorry guys! Haha) so why not! I'm sure our family is going to wonder what was she thinking... but its okay! Haha. That was super fun, we got to stay til after the store closed. I love Bed Bath and Beyond, they're so... beyond haha. And they were really nice about us staying after.

It's freezing cold, and I'm so excited that it is! I love the cold weather! Well I like it a lot better than hot. I just dont like the goosebumps or the chills.

I wanna go wrap myself in my fleece blanket and go to bed but I have some work to do! Darn. Gotta get all the paper work done by next week for the chapel. Its so crazy to think I'm really getting married, you know? Putting down the deposit for the chapel, getting fitted for my dress... its just so... surreal! I think its really fully hit me just yet. I dont think it's going to until I'm putting the dress on right before the ceremony. I hope I dont freak out! Hahah!

Misery is the best inspiration.

And he loves me so. Takes me where you never took me, although you tried to. His eyes they read so true. So different from the way it was with you...

I dont dwell on my past half as much as I use to, in fact a lot of my past is a blur. But certain songs still bring up certain people, certain days, certain feelings. And sometimes, its a refreshing blast of memories. Like on a cold November night like this one.

In every life there will be one great love and one unforgettable heart break.

November was never a good month for me, majority of my break ups happen in November. My "unforgettable heart break" happened in November. I can deny you all I want, but no one hurt me as much as you did. And I cant figure out why, besides that I was young and stupid. You were a pretty decent boyfriend, a push over but decent. But everyone needs to feel the pain you gave me, its a big part of who made me who I am today. And I happen to like who I am today.

Moving on... I'm getting married. Wow. Me. Getting married. Never would had thought. Sure we've been together for almost six years (wow, six years, really?) but I just never really saw us getting married. I'm a lot like Ben Affleck in "How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days". I figure we're happy, why ruin it by getting married. And sure, I still think that. But a small itty bitty part of me is actually kinda excited. Shh, dont tell Martin I said that. I always thought that once you get married, or engaged, the past kinda just... disappears. You dont think of the past or what-could-had-been or why-did-that-end. Why I thought that is beyond me.

I guess I'm lucky. I'm lucky because my fiance is my best of all best friends. Literally. We talk about my exes, we talk about his exes, we try to figure out why our past relationships failed. We have real conversations about things like that. He knows how I feel about all of my exes, he knows the ones I wish I was still friends with or the ones hurt me. And he does what I always wished someone would do with that information. He uses to know who I am and how I am. Not against me, but as a better understanding of how I react to things. I'm lucky because in the last six years, he was able to figure who I had a crush on. At work, at school, to him it was so obvious. And he'd pick on me, not in a jealous boyfriend way but in a ooh-I'm-telling-him-you-like-him way. And sometimes between us, its just so easy to forget we're together. Because the majority of the time, we dont feel like that. We feel like two best friends hanging out.

Words can not express how lucky and blessed and happy I am to have him. To have someone who's just like me. Who sacrifices just to see a smile on their face. To spoil me with hugs and kisses and my favorite food "just because". Who accepts every part of me, and who is completely in love with the tomboy side of me. Someone who'll watch me put on lipstick, wipe it off with his finger, kiss me and whisper "you dont need it". Someone who makes me feel so damn alive. He wont ask why I'm crying if I dont feel like telling him but he'll hug the hell out of me until I'm spent, tuck me in bed and kiss me on the forehead and tell me to sleep it off.

I think back to exes and memories and the crazy fucked up crap you go through with them in high school and relationships that ended far too soon. And the boys I miss. And I look at him and I'm glad those relationship ended. I'm glad for all the fucked up crazy shit I went through. I'm glad I got kicked out school. I'm glad I had to repeat senior year. I'm so glad. I'm so glad to be here, with him. With this ring on my finger. With that ring on his.

I love you. I love you a million times. In a million different lifetimes. I've always loved you. I willalways love you. My dope friend. My best friend. My babemerding. A million thank yous. For just being you <3.

Earlyyy phone call!

Martin called me all morning this morning for some reference information. He called me several times actually and I fell asleep between calls. I think I answered one of the questions he asked me with my eyes still closed and my head still under the blanket followed by a mumbled "okay yeah I'll get it. K love you bye" and rolled over, called the school, asked for the info, wrote it down all with my eyes closed. I knew having a notebook next to my pillow would be handy some day. During the calls when I was more awake however, we got to talk for a bit. Not about much because I didnt know what kind of time limit we were on.

But I did mange to ask what Marissa was going to wear to the wedding, tell him about my page rate, and a bunch of other things. I think I covered the important things this time. The rest of the small talk was a blur because like I said (or hinted) I wasnt completely awake during these calls. It was nice to hear his voice on the other line, for a few hours it felt like he was home and everything was normal again.

He called again around noon saying it was his last call of the day and to say thank you for getting him the info and to tell Boq he loves him (which I thought was super cute). I told him when he comes home hes gonna have to tame him cause hes so jumpy. I also gave him a big kiss on the phone and he laughed. I'm glad he smiled, he needs to start smiling/laughing more often on the phone! I'm tired of these sad phone calls! Goodness.

I kept telling myself all day I was going to clean my room.

I didnt.

Did you expect it?

I did LOL!

I just emailed Nicolas Dromard (Fiyero for the Wicked SF production) a rather huge request, I hope he approves my request! Not saying what it is just yet, but its a gift. For someone :)

I've been bugging Nicolas for the last few days lol! At least he'll know who I am when I go see Wicked for the 3rd time haha!

I registered a new domain. Since I have unlimited hosting, just to test it out. So I registered it and I was all excited and I was like and then what lol! Its still processing, so we'll see! I saw that I could renew my domain for $10/year and I got excited til I realized it was just to register to host was wayy more than that lol! Darn, you fooled me again!

Hopefully cleaning tomorrow!! Hopefully.

Oh! I got the Wicked site up, and some content up. I like the layout but I'm not happy with the content. Its gonna take some getting use to/work. But I think I'll get it. Or I'll try to, I'll post a link if anyone's interested (does anyone read this?!) lol.

What a WiCKED day.

I spent all last night browsing sites and layouts, searching for something inspiring for both my domain and for my Wicked site and nothing really hit me. Well, I tried changing my domain layout but I'm so picky and WordPress is such a hassle to figure out, blah!

So I was listening to Stay With Me by Danity Kane (which always reminds me of that Twilight fan video someone made last year) and how I wanted to make a banner with me and Martin (since you know, he left and all) and I thought... why not with Elphaba and Fiyero? But I didnt have the screen shots I wanted for that (and its a live musical, pictures are hard to find) so I thought why not with Glinda and Elphaba since you know, the musical is basically about the friendship between Glinda and Elphaha, not so much Fiyero and anyone lol. But last minute I changed my mind and just made it For Good which I think came out pretty decent.

Now I just have to figure out how, where and what kind of content I want on the site. Its not hard finding content, just where and how. You know? I feel super accomplished because I didnt get ANY headaches making the banner for the site (which is surprising, cause I usually get headaches every time I graphic design which is why I dont do it that often anymore). Yay! It kinda just flowed, which is so rare when it comes to me cause I'm a total perfectionist. Of course, I want to touch up on my Photoshopping and make much more complex banner and layouts. Eventually, I will.

I managed to add Nicolas (who plays Fiyero for the SF production) on MySpace, subbed to his YouTube and emailed him for an autograph the next time I see Wicked (a week and half from now)! Haha I hope he emails me back, that would be awesome. I am completely smitten with Nicolas! Hehehehe *insert Glinda giggle here* haha!

Pretty happy I got my Amazon order (finally) today. Yay more Sweep books!

Got a few depressing letters from Martin again :( I really hate how all the letters are depressing *sigh*. The last letter left me worried, I feel really down and defeated right now. I know I shouldnt, but I cant help it. I hope things get better and work out. Trying to keep my mind on Wicked to keep from being down. I dont do wedding planning on the weekends, so they're reserved for Wicked.

Almost done!

The future sister in law and I finished up a bunch of stuff yesterday with the wedding. Like ordering the invitations, ribbon, putting together the last details of the favors and table decors, and got my wedding band! Also finished up paying most of the bills for the month. Skipped MAC, surprisingly... I didnt want to depress myself. Got my free gift from Aerie! I love the free gift this month! Also got a new wallet and my glove mitt things, yay. I love cold weather! Got my wedding band! Whoohoo! Its a simple band with diamonds across, its like a 2mm band. I wanted something thin and simple. My engagement ring is just too much for me to wear all day everyday lol. Also got a really soft, warm and comfy hoodie. Oh also set up a wedding registry at Bed Bath and Beyond and it was so much fun! The sales person who helped us was really friendly and funny.

I took a few pictures of Ace/Boq (havent decided on a name yet) but I havent transfered them yet. Been way busy! Hes cuddled up in a corner under his bedding right now, I guess the little one is cold too. I wish I could keep him in my room! But my damn makeup is taking up all the room. Grr.

I'm thinking of revamping my room before Martin comes home for the holidays. My room is seriously a mess right now. Books/notebooks/beads/makeup are just stacked up on top of each other everywhere. I cant even see my DVD player and PS2 because its just so much of a mess in here! So yah, I'm thinking of getting rid of a bunch of stuff (you know what that means... more items in the makeup sale blog). Besides, he wont let me take this all with me when he move anyway.

Sadly, I think my love for makeup is running low. I havent been interested in much lately. Mostly just MAC collections. A few things here and there... but nothing big. Maybe its just because I'm broke, but I dont know... blah. Its a really frustrating feeling, to be honest.

In case you didnt know, I'm a HUGE Wicked musical fan. So since all I talk about (seriously, literally) is Wicked, I decided to just give in and make a fan site. I'm not really sure what I'm going to post just yet, if I'm going to include news or just talk about my favorite scenes, my thoughts, my favorite lyrics/songs/quotes... I'm not really sure yet. But I'm pretty excited about this project!

Martin wants me to do something that will make him proud of me. He wants me to keep making jewelry, and I want to as well... but I dont know, I kinda feel like I'm not doing as well as I want to and maybe that's all on me for not practicing more or whatever but I just... I dont know. I feel so discouraged when hes not around. And I know it shouldnt be like that, but I guess I just got too use to him being around (we have been together for pretty much 6 years). And I want to show him I was trying just as hard as he was when he left, but... I've been moping instead. The only thing that keeps my mind off basic training is Wicked and planning the wedding. It just bums me out cause I have so much to release and make and I'm kinda just... sitting here. Sorry guys! I hope you understand.

Adjusting to the military life is really hard, especially when you have no experience with it at all and you're kinda just thrown into it. I know this is going to be the first of many times that he wont be around. And its a struggle not being able to pick up the phone and call him. To carry my phone around with me everywhere so I dont miss a call, even though hes only limited to 10 minute (or less) phone calls. Being crazy about checking the mail EVERY SINGLE DAY in hopes you get a letter. And most days, you dont get anything. No letter, no call, no nothing. And some days, thats just really hard. I didnt think it would be... but its harder than I thought it would be. I knew I'd miss him, but I never thought it would feel like this.

But I'm proud of him. I know he'll get his numbers up and I'll know he's strong enough to get through this. I want him to be proud of me too...

A lovely surprise!

I was trying to take a nap earlier, since it was extremely hot in my room. And I waslight weight waiting for a phone call from Martin. And my mom starts knocking on my door, so I thought maybe I had a letter... so I open the door and she's holding up Labby's old carrier cage. And inside it was a small Robo Dwarf Hamster! He was adorable! And very active (which is good, I hope hes healthy).

It surprised me that she came home with a hamster cause she'd never come home with one! I wont say shes not a fan of hamsters (after a few years of me having Syrian hamsters I think they finally grew on her lol) cause she is... but coming home with one was just so out of character hehe. But it was a nice surprise, especially since I was kinda crying myself to sleep.

I dont know if I mentioned this, but my dear Labby mouse (Martin named him "Labby... the lab mouse" cause he was a plain white mouse) passed away last week, almost hitting I think two years... which is crazy for a simple white feeder mouse. And I suppose she got me a hamster to keep me some company since Martin's away. I dont know really I didnt ask her but I was oohing and ahhing over it for some time lol.

I only have CareFresh bedding and I remember reading somewhere that it's really bad for dwarf hamsters so I went to Petco but they dont sell the bedding I use to use for my baby boy Flixie (who passed away almost two years ago. He had a bad allergic reaction to CareFresh so I had to switch him to shredded wood bedding) and I'm not a huge fan of the wood chip type since they have sharp corners, so I may have to go to the next city over to PetSmart and see if they have any over there. I also have to get the little critter a wheel and some toys. He was climbing and jumping around the cage as soon as I put him in there.

I'm very knowledgeable when it comes to Syrian hamsters since I've raised them since I was 9... but when it comes to dwarf hamsters... not so much. I've only had one and he passed away the day after I got him (I wrote a complaint to the head of Petco and they never got back to me either. Ugh) so I'm a little iffy about having another dwarf hamster, especially from Petco. So I'll be taking a small break tonight from wedding planning to refresh my memory on dwarf hamster care. I only remember bits and pieces and they're not connecting very well lol.

Sorry no pictures of the little guy just yet! I was too busy trying to make his home to take pictures. But soon! And I havent decided on a name, I was thinking Ace since that was what Martin named our Air Force bear, but I dont know yet :)

I cant wait to tell him about the new little one!

Its still there...

A lot of the time I write about how I managed to escape an abusive relationship. And in all honestly, I wouldnt had been able to even think about walking away from that situation if it wasnt for you.

You were the most unlikely person to save me. The guy who hated his life just as much as the girl who wanted to just end it all. How can two people who hate life save each other?

I dont know. But it happened.

One year ago, two days from today. I said things that I meant at the moment but things I shouldnt had said. You know how I get in intense arguments. I forget, that you're you. You're not him. The things I said... you didnt deserve. The way I reacted was uncalled for. You're nothing like me, you'd never say something to hurt me. You've never and you would never hurt me. Not with words, not with fists, not with anything. The look in your eyes when you're slightly even raising your voice at me asks for forgiveness. And you quickly go quiet.

So why. Why do I treat you the way I do when I'm angry?

We blame the actions of someone else on people who dont deserve it.

I blame you for the things Jeff did. And I know I do. A year ago, we were together for four solid years and never in those years did you do the things he did but yet, I still blame them on you as if you did them. And that is extremely wrong of me. And yet, when I'm in those moments I cant control it. Why does this happen?

I tell myself I'm strong for being able to walk away, for even attempting to walk away... and maybe I am. But the situation itself still haunts me. And I dont think that will ever go away.

I could tell you I'm sorry, a million times. That I'll try my hardest to not let it happen again. And I know you'd look at me. Smile and rub my face. And tell me "its okay, I understand".

And I just dont understand why you do. Or how you do. But I'm so very thankful that you do. You save my life every single day. I hope you know that.

You're my hero. Long before you wore camos, combat boots and dress blues.

Thank you.

A piece of me in: November 09'

The Toothfairy started this new game every month. Where you write down something about you during the beginning of the month. I think this is a great idea, I change my likes and dislikes all the time and it would be nice to look back and see what they were.

This month....

I like: Wicked the musical, searching for my wedding favors, Ning and Tumblr.

I don't like: that its still in the high 70's and its already November. Fall has skipped us this year.

I want you to know: that I think my love for makeup is fading *gasp*. I know, I know. Or maybe I'm just too busy to keep up with all the new things.

I've planned: to do more productive things away from the computer. Lets see how this goes.

I want to say to someone special: I miss you. I'm so proud of you. I cant wait to see you in a few weeks and I cant wait to marry you!

Found my wedding dress!!!

Good news, I FOUND MY WEDDING DRESS!!!

I was in love with this dress that I tried on at the first bridal store I went to but it didnt come in blue, at all. It came in a baby blue but no dark blues... so I was bummed. I'm completely smitten with that dress. I demand my sister in law has a red wedding so I can buy that dress (lucky for me, she agreed. she likes that dress too)! I had one written down that I saw from a website and I was trying on dresses similar to the one I was in love with, and surprisingly one of the ones I wishlisted they had a sample of. So I tried that on. It wasnt as lovely as the original one I wanted but its really really nice. It doesnt have a train or a long sash (which is what I kinda wanted but its kinda no big deal) but it does have that fanning out thing in the back. And its gorgeous. I got a shaw thing to go with it, I'm insecure when it comes to showing my shoulders and I got my shoes. All of a little over $300. Oh I'm so excited! We also got the table decor for $44! Michaels was having a sale, so thank goodness for that! How we're going to get it to Las Vegas without the glass shattering, I have no idea... but we'll figure something out! I really hope Martin likes my dress and the decor. Marissa will be in charge of setting up the tables if I dont come back in time since she is the one who thought of the decor in the first place!

I'm lucky to have such a helpful sister in law!

So I was pretty happy yesterday since we got a lot done, I'm just bummed I couldnt find my candle. We also got the bubbles for the wedding, we just need to get the ribbons for them now. And the invites.

I also got 4 letters from Martin yesterday. Well 3 and some paper work for his graduation. I was pretty excited but when I read them... they were really sad. All of them were. It broke my heart. I know its hard for him out there, but I didnt expect it to be this hard. He's so much stronger than that, I dont know why hes not acting like it. I know its hard for him to be away from me and to do things on his own for once, but he has to do this. I guess its just a little easier for me to be on my own cause prior to being with him, I was on my own already. So with him leaving its just like "oh, back to this" where as for him, its something completely new. I hope he graduates on time and I hope hes right about his break dates cause that means I'll get the date I want and he'll be home for Christmas.

I wish so much I could just run over there and give him a hug and a kiss and tell him I believe in him and that he can do this. And stop being a doober face about it. But I cant. I'm here, he's there, and I feel so helpless being so far away and not being able to make it better. His last letter was really really sad. I feel so bad for him. I hope things are better now. He told me about the Wiccan church, and I'm a little jealous. We call our happy place "home". My home is curled up on his lap (like a cat, literally) and his home is laying on my lap and they told them to go to their happy place and he was talking about how real it felt. Like he could touch me and he could smell me and I'm a little jealous! I'm running off memories here! But he told me it was fun, there's more to it, but I'm sure no ones really interested to know what Wiccans do plus it sounds cultish lol. I'm also a little jealous he gets to go to Wiccan church lol.

I'm a little down today because of the letter, I'm hoping the next ones wont be so sad. My friend (who went in before him) already warned me that the first three weeks will be depressing, it gets better after that. I hope she's right.

I think I'm getting sick.

Besides sniffling all day yesterday and having a running nose when I went to bed, I woke up this morning with a plugged up nose (I woke up because one of the bridal shops I called yesterday was returning my phone call... at 10AM, lovely) and feeling like crap. Thank goodness I'm staying home today. But even now, I feel all flemy and all I wanna do is nap!

Please let me find a dress tomorrow! I'm not a fan of wedding dress shopping and I really really really need to find one.

Today marks two months until my wedding and nothing is done. I'm trying not to stress, it only gives me migraines and I cant even take Excedrine anymore, so I need to just... chill.

Everything will work out. At least, that's what I'm hoping.

I lied, this weekend was eventful.

Yesterday me and the future sis in law woke up at 0645 and headed to the Ferry building to take the Ferry to SF. Man, its been years since I've taken the ferry or the Muni. We go to SF and since we got there 10 minutes early, I stopped by my favorite bakery Miette. Picked up an Opera cake and a Caramel Panna Cotta. Made our way to Muni and took it to Civic Center. I was afraid we'd get lost but we didnt, yay! Grabbed some Burger King for breakfast and went to Behind The Emerald Curtain.

Took pictures of everything, it wasnt what I thought it would be... it was basically a room that had poster boards and props and the dresses up and two members of the cast (for us it was a swinger who sometimes also plays the main flying monkey Cheshiery and also sometimes plays Boq) and Fiyero. They tell you a little about behind the scenes, the costumes, the makeup, how everything is pretty much a wig (I always wondered how they curled Glinda's hair so fast!) and things like that. You watch a few video clips, they tell you a few stage secrets, have a Q&A and that's about it. I did get to take a picture with Fiyero and I did get to ask "Boq" about the part where Elphaba makes him into the Tinman, is it two different people... cant tell you what he said though! If you want to see pictures of the event, I'll be posting them on my Flickr.

After that, went to see if they had any open tickets just to see. And walked away with two tickets for the early show haha! But the thing that sucked was the tickets I bought were $80 cheaper and wayyy closer than the previous tickets I had bought! Grrr. So we walked around, grabbed some lunch and headed back to watch Wicked at 2PM. We had floor seats! I didnt know that! But it was off to the left and though you're up close, it was hard to see the middle of the stage and the left side of the stage. Defying Gravity looked amazing that up close!

A couple bloopers from last night's show?

• In "No Good Deed" at the end where she goes "alright, enough so be it!" and she waves her arms around, Elphaba's cape stuck to her face. You could tell she was slightly off from the vents that blew up the air so yeah she had to pull it from her face hehe.
• In "Dancing Through Life" the duet between Elphaba and Galinda where Galinda goes "you deserve each other, this hat and you, you're both so... smart" she said "sharp" instead of "smart". Hehe.

I really really enjoyed Behind The Scenes and Wicked. Best morning ever!

After the show we headed to Powell to the Bloomingsdale mall and had dinner at Straits. We had Lobster Pad Thai that cost $39. To be honest, it was totally worth the money. I am NOT a fan of lobster, at all. But this lobster was amazing. It was juicy, it was fresh, OMG. It was good. The Pad Thai wasnt as spicy as their normal Pad Thai but it was really really good. Even the green onions in it were good and I HATE green onions! Marissa was hooked on the Roti lol! After dinner I took her on the spiral escalators haha. Got my usual strawberry shortcake thingie and headed back to the Ferry building.

We missed the ferry by 2 minutes so we went back to Hyatt and the Ferry building was having some celeb culinary show. One of the girls from the Food Network cake challenges was there. But I didnt recognized the other people. So we went back to Hyatt and walked around. I asked if they still had the rotating restaurant and they didnt. A really nice host at the lobby lounge was telling me how someone bought that Hyatt and the new manger got rid of it two years ago. Aww, that sucks. The host was really nice and friendly. He was like "but when I get enough money to buy this place back, I'll call you!" cause he use to work there lol. Got on the ferry finally and man, I was ready to nap but didnt get to.

Tiring but fun day!

Slowest yet fastest week of my life.

I'm getting to that point where I'm just itching to hear from him. I've sent him 3 letters so far since he gave his address (I'm working on my 4th one) and I know the first 2 or 3 weeks are the hardest and there's close to no communication with family and friends during that time and I'm trying really hard to stay busy and optimistic and remind myself that if he had the choice, he'd call me. But dammit this anxiety is not being friendly at all! The days are passing fast, which is great. Then I realize it's not even Friday yet! Good goly, hurry the hell up! I swear, if I dont get a letter or a call by Monday or Tuesday next week, I'm going to scream. Argh.

This weekend isnt too eventful, however I'm going to see Behind The Emerald Curtain. Which I was excited for when I bought the tickets but now all I want to do is sit at home and wait for his call. Well that and... I dont know if I still remember how to take the bus system around SF anymore, it's been five years since I last did! Everyone send good vibes that I dont get lost, please?

Trying to sell off all my jewelry is hard. I'm in desperate need to get rid of all of them so I have room for my new stuff. I also have a few free gift offers going on with my Mark store, check out the beauty blog for details. Shameless plug? Yeah, you got me lol.

Been spending some time planning my wedding and decided to get a completely different dress so I'm going to be trying on dresses tomorrow (hopefully, unless the bridal shop is really as ghetto as everyone says it is, then maybe I'll save that for another day) but the dress shop I'm going to got ALL bad reviews. So I was thinking of trying on dresses there and ordering it from another dress shop semi close to me with better reviews. I'm pretty sure my dress size is a 1. I hate trying on clothes, so so much. Trying to figure out other things for the wedding too...

• Favors
• Chapel decor
• Makeup
• Hair
• Shoes
• Invitations
• Maybe ordering a small cake and having it delivered to our dinner place since we're not having a reception

There's other things but they're totally not coming to mind right now. This is so stressful because no one's helping me (my cousin is totally offering to help and I'm so thankful she is!) and my MOH is totally not being my MOH! Ugh. And I'm not sure what our budget is and of course, not having Martin's input. Though I'm sure even if he was here it would probably still be "its up to you" but still! Then again I wanna see the look on his face when he walks in and the place looks amazing and I have a totally different dress on. So when I'm walking down the isle I can be like "ahaha got you sucka!" right?! Awesome if I do say so myself!

My "best friend" finally texted me this morning (a little after midnight) after not speaking to me for pretty much a month. She didnt contact me before or after my CAT scan, my engagement announcement and she flaked on my engagement party. She texted me saying she was crying cause she misses her best friend and she's been trying to get in touch but she doesnt know how oh and she's sorry. I dont know, I'm not in a forgiving mood. She's suppose to be my best friend and she totally blew me off when I needed her the most. Why should I forgive her? Not to mention all the crap I put up with for her. Like for one her psycho mom who blows up my phone, screaming at me on my voice mail and stopping by my house looking for her daughter even when I honestly have no idea where her lying ass daughter is! I'm just done with it all. I'm not gonna cover and deal with someone who obviously only comes to me when SHE needs ME. And blows me off when I'M the one in need. I dont know, am I being too harsh?

Oh and there's this guy who's been my friend for a few years who's totally clingy. Like say I'm busy one day and I dont get on AIM, the next day he'll pull the whole "you were ignoring me yesterday". I'm just argh. I wanna turn off my phone (but I dont cause I might miss Martin's call!) and just never get back on AIM!

*sigh*. Back to finding a dress.

I hope it brings you bliss.

Me: I hope you're happy. Now that you're choosing this.
Martin: I hope it brings you bliss.
Me: I really hope you get it.
Martin: And you dont live to regret it.
Martin: I hope you're happy, in the end.
Me: I hope you're happy.
Me & Martin: My friend.


Yes, we sang a part of Defying Gravity to each other before saying goodbye. Does that make us lame? I dont really care. Its what we do, and it was actually really sad. I love you babe, I'm so proud of you. And I'm so thankful. You're my dream come true too, I'll be here waiting for you to come home. =(

----------

So he's shipping out in the morning, I'm feeling a little numb right now. We spent a lot of time yesterday talking, trying to laugh, staring at each other, hugging, crying and kissing. "Forever isnt enough time with you". It isnt, and yes. I want more time too. I tried my best to be strong and I was surprised at the fact that I was being the strong one and he wasnt. Then he said "every drive home, you'll be okay" and I cracked. I cant believe hes really going. This is surreal, this is insane. I dont think its fully hit me yet, I'm still awake. Waiting for him to IM me saying hes going to bed. Even though hes not online =\.

I dont know what I'm going to do.

Witchapalooza!

Quick entry, I have a throbbing headache from yesterday. Dont you hate when you wake up and its still there?! But I'm not going to let it stop me from going to Witchapalooza today! Martin leaves in less than 5 days, and I'm trying to spend as much time with him as I can. Headache or not!

Will update later on the engagement party and Witchapalooza! =)

Thank you!

Thank you everyone for the congrats on the engagement! I'm excited! Though my ring makes it hard to wash my hands. And every time he squeezes that hand, I wanna punch him in the face. It hurts! Haha. But I really like it, he did SO well. I think hes more amazed with it than I am though, I swear he wants to see it every five seconds.

I'm feeling mixed emotions. I'm excited because now I can plan the wedding and do all the exciting girly things (minus having someone to do them with which is why I'm hoping Marissa will be free for the next few months so I can drag her around with me lol)! But at the same time, I'm sad and anxious because it just makes everything so much more... real. Him leaving for Basic Training, him being gone for the next six or so months... not being able to talk to him for the first six and a half weeks he'll be gone... our lives changing and growing up. I think I'm scared of that the most. Seriously, just thinking about it is giving me a lump in my throat and making me super anxious.

Is this normal? To be excited but scared and anxious at the same time?

I'm excited to start a new life, to finally get to start my life with him. But I dont want to leave my parents. I dont want to move to somewhere random not knowing how far away I'll be. I dont want to be away from my dog and cat. I couldnt imagine calling any other room "my room". I know I can always come home. I know I can always call my mom and dad. But it wont be the same, you know? I'm 24, I'm suppose to had already left home... but still. It feels so... scary =(.

I'm ENGAGED!

Yesterday we went to our High School so Martin could say bye to the teachers (we graduated five years ago and we still visit it often cause we were really close to our teachers when we were there so saying bye is kinda hard for us). We have this hallway that was like our hallway. It was in front of our History class and when we were in high school we would always chill at that corner before class.

This is what it looked like when you were standing against the wall. I know, our school looks super ghetto, its a continuation high school... what do you expect! It actually looks a lot nicer now that the walls are white (and surprisingly have stayed white the last year). It was all tagged and painted up when we were in high school lol. That door is where our history class was.

Well we were walking to the hallway to check if our science teacher was there, and she wasnt. We got there like half an hour after school ended so I had high hopes most teachers would still be there. Darn.

He pulled out his cell phone and was like "read this with me" and it was a list. It was a list of 100 reasons why he loves me. And mid list he goes "I love your eyes. I love your lips. I love your face." then after it, it said "I love how that just made you laugh" haha. What a punk! After the 100 list, he read off the poem that Robin Williams reads in "Patch Adams" (one of his favorite movies). By then, I was bawling my fuckin eyes out!! Haha. Then he turns to me and goes "baby I love you, will you marry me?" he didnt get on one knee or anything, which is fine. I was too busy crying into his shirt lol! Then once I stopped crying I asked him to marry me too =). We propose to each other, it makes things fair.

Our rings =).





Excuse the tags, I was going to update this on the beauty blog. But it got too long and personal, so I just moved it here =).

UGH.

I'm so frustrated with myself right now that I just wanna go to sleep. Ever have those days? Nothing bad or irritating happened but you're just so down that you just wanna not do anything at all and just sleep? I dont think I've ever been so down that I didnt want to write about it.

I've got so much catching up to do, and not enough time to do anything. I hate this.

CAT Scan.

Hey guys, I gotta make this quick since I started a new thing today.

• I'm gonna start sleeping at 1:30AM or earlier (its 1:20 right now)
• I'm gonna drink a bottle of water a day
• Eat healthier

The reason for this is because I'm suppose to see a headache person soon and I'm scared they'll send me to get an MRI. I'm sure my headache's are caused by stress, lack of sleep, bad eating and taking too much medicine. So I'm gonna try to fix things and see if it helps. I know its always good to have things checked but somehow I've developed a really bad fear to needles.

So, yesterday was my CAT scan! 12 hours before I was suppose to take the medicine which wasnt as bad as most people said it was (it wasnt good either). I was surprised it came in a small bottle which required you to mix it with any clear drink (water, sprite, apple juice, cranberry juice, etc) so I went for cranberry. Everyone says the medicine is salty so I figure the bitterness of the cranberry would cancel out the salt. It worked pretty well. It wasnt gross, unless it got warm and as long as I didnt gulp it cause then it tasted like medicine. I chased it with a popsicle lol. You're not suppose to eat 4hrs before your scan. I hope the popsicle didnt count!

The CAT scan itself wasnt so bad. It was quick. They have you put on a gown (but not require you to get completely naked) then they lay you down and you slide into this donut looking machine that tells you to hold your breath at certain times and slides you in and out of the donut thing. I didnt get the IV because I was too scared and I literally JUST finished my last dose of medicine 20 minutes before I got there, so I figure I'd be good. She said that sometimes you can get away with not taking the IV (where they inject more iodine into your system) so I'm hoping I can! If the images dont show up well enough, I'll have to retake them. And I'm hoping I dont! While the procedure wasnt that bad and the medicine wasnt as bad as everyone makes it sound, I wouldnt want to go through that again! I know I shoulda just took the IV, but I was too scared and now I regret it =(. *sigh*.

The after effects of the medicine have made me pee, A LOT. A lot a lot. And have made me poo a lot too since I got home. Blah!

Alright, bed time. Sorry for being so MIA-ish, things are getting complicated.

Stomach Pains.

So an update on the stomach pains... I went to the hospital the next day and she did the usual check up stuff and she set an appt for a CAT scan and she sent in a request for the headache specialist since I told her about my frequent headaches. Which sucks cause I've been asking my previous doctors to send me (I've had this problem for the last 6 years) and they always refused. So I'm happy about that. I'm not happy about the CAT scan or the pages of lab work I have to get done.

My CAT scan is in a few days and honestly, I'm terrified. I dont wanna take the "drink of doom" (or what I call it) and I dont wanna be stuck with an IV in my arm/hand and getting an iodine shot! It just sounds miserable and painful. Worst 15-30 minutes of my life. I hope I dont chicken out and end up cancelling it. My mom and Martin want to make sure I get it done. Cause what if something IS wrong? And I'm just being a baby about it. But I'm really really really... really really scared. Like seriously, every time I think about it, I get nauseous and I start feeling sick. Ugh. What do I do?!

So I'm gonna be busy this week. I'm also going to see the Wizard of Oz 70th anniversary in theaters. I also found out that the original Elphaba (Idina) played NANCY on Enchanted! And shes married to Taye Diggs (one of my favorite actors) and Galinda (Kristin) played Olive on Pushing Dasies! I hated Nancy in Enchanted and Olive creeped me out ahaha. Funny and odd right? I think Idina makes a wonderful Elphaba! I hope they're in the movie when they make one. Ahhh. I wanna see it again!

I told my bro for my wedding gift I want Wicked tickets and hes like "so what if EVERYONE bought you Wicked tickets?" and I was like "OMG I'm so excited! That's a wonderful idea" hahaha he thought I was nuts.

Not even the Wicked soundtrack is cheering me up (okay maybe it, a little). I feel like ugh. =(

No matter how they try to destry him.. let him never die, let him never die...

As Long As You're Mine.

I am obsessed with this song. I love how dark and how seductive and how secret it is. If you saw the musical you'd know what I'm talkin about. It's just, I dont know. That "I dont know how much longer I have with you" theme going on. It's always something exciting and depressing at the same time.

No Good Deed

I've been obsessed with this song too. The scene after "As Long As You're Mine". I love this song because you can hear her anxiety, you can feel how bad she feels. How much she wants to save Fieyro. How sorry she is. How misunderstood she was. How everything and everyone just turned against her. It was like her breaking point. She accepted that they thought she was a wicked witch when she knew she wasnt. All she wanted to do was help. I love how much emotion is put into it and how much emotion it stirs up.

I've seriously been listening to these two songs over and over for the last 36 hours. I cant get enough of Wicked! I'm utterly obsessed. And I love it! I seriously want to see this musical again. At least 10 more times! No joke!

Dang, the last time I was this obsessed with something was Ryan Cabrera back in 05' haha. Dont you love things that can make you emotional?

Wicked!

Saturday was my grandpa's birthday. And in memory of him, I decided to go see Wicked. I had wanted to see this since I heard it was playing in our area and originally had wanted to see it for my birthday, but I ended up going to Disneyland instead and I thought they were going to end but they extended it so I decided to go for his birthday (and I found out they extended our showing again).



We sat in the balcony. Like literally, the very very VERY top row. I liked our seats, they were easy to find, we were on the end and you could see the whole stage from up there. But you could see peoples faces. I still really enjoyed it. In fact, I kinda wanna see it again =). I've been obsessed since I got home. Watching it on youtube, planning to buy the soundtrack lol. Oh! I got a flying monkey plushie, a hat and a witch hat keychain. I LOVE witch hats! I'm sad this is the only picture I took. I was all nice and dressed up and I didnt get a chance to take a picture with the poster. I'm really bummed out about that... extremely bummed out to be honest.

I had something else to update on, and I dont remember what it was. Hmm.

I'm going to be doing a mini jewelry sale soon, gonna be announcing some mark. store promo's, going to be adding more pieces to my crafts blog. Its just this wire wrapping that's frustrating me. Blah! I'll get it down someday.

I wanna go on a NYX haul but ugh, I dont need any more makeup! I need to get rid of makeup! Not buy more. I have a few China Glaze and a bunch of OPI nail polishes I dont want anymore, should I put them up for sale? Can you even ship nail polish?!

Days are passing too quickly, Martin's leaving sooner and sooner :(

I made a military-ish blog here. Its not gonna be detailed like another one that I have (thats friends only) because I dont wanna violate anything. I didnt want it to get mixed up with all my other stuff.

Oh! I missed ONE day of taking birth control and the next day I got my period. You know how usually you spot? Well, I didnt spot. I got my full blown period. It sucks!!! At least now I know what happens when I miss a day, right? AND I'm drinking Pepsi. Why do you always crave the things that make you cramp when you're on your period? It tastes so good but its so painful! Argh.

Memories are still vivid...

I was doing laundry last night and I was waiting for the washer to get done, so I walked around in circles downstairs. I was standing in the dining room for who knows what reason. I remember the first time I ever set foot in this house. New Years Eve. I remember left over Christmas cookies. Brand new couches. It was night time and the living room was HUGE and empty. The piano, of course. The piano. The little lamp you spent time finding. Teaching me how to play "happy birthday" by tapping the key I should press next.

The dining room table. I was standing right next to where you use to sit when you'd tell me to take my medicine. I can still see you sitting in the chair and me standing in front of you, leaning on the table. A small clear club with pink cough surup between us. It always took me forever to take medicine. You knew I hated taking medicine! But you were always so patient with me. Always. I always asked you not to watch me cause it made me nervous so one day you made up a game. You'd turn around, close your eyes and count to three. Then turn back around and by then it should be gone. I wish you were here. I still hate medicine. I still play that game pretending you're here. That was 19 years ago.

The couch, the kitchen, the tv in the family room. "I want my ramen with a lottt of rice!" while watching Return to Oz when I probably should had been sleeping. Martin attempts to make it the way you do, because he knows it'll make me happy. And I appreciate it, but I miss the way you made it. In memory of you, this year. I'm going to see Wicked.

I remember your tape recorder and the pouch you made for it. It was green and it had a string that you pulled and it would scrunch closed. I remember you telling me to talk to it when you first got it and I remember you recording yourself playing the piano. I remember your ring! Your gold ring, the flat front side with the black gem in front and the calligraphy S in the middle. I remember asking you if you ever have trouble taking it off since I could never pull it off and you always showed me the soap trick. I asked you a lot of silly questions. And I bothered you endlessly, but you never seemed to mind.

You're probably standing next to me right now. Dont worry, I'm not crying cause I'm sad. I'm crying because I miss you. Now that I'm older, there's so much more I want to know. So many more questions I want to ask. Martin would had loved to had met you. And I would had loved for you to had met him, here. In our time. I wish you were here to see all the crafty things I try to do everyday. I know you'd be proud. I know you'd encourage me and tell me not to give up. You always did, whenever I wanted to give up. Maybe its better you're not here anymore, things changed when you left.

I remember sitting on your lap, in the living room of my mom's old house in the Philippines. Before we left for the airport. I remember saying "you're not coming home?" and you said "I will, later. I'm going to stay a little longer."

I still remember our last conversation over the phone. You never came home. I had a feeling it would be our last. I couldnt tell you that I was sorry for all the times I said I hated you when I was angry. I couldnt tell you I missed you and I just wanted you to come home already. I told you about my science project. The first one I had to do without your help. "Good job. I knew you could do it".

I remember the phone call. And my mom busting into tears. I remember running up to my room and crying. I didnt have to ask what happened.

The last time I was at your grave I promised I'd come back after high school. I'm sorry I havent. Its not completely on purpose. Airplanes are painful for me, I'm sure you've seen. It shouldnt had stopped me from coming back. Thank you for telling me in my dream the last time not to worry about it and to focus on school. Mama said it sounded like something you'd say if you were still here. I do feel bad about it, I know you probably dont want me to, sorry. I'll be coming back soon though, I want you to meet Martin. I'm sure you already have, but you know, can I introduce you this time? If that was you.

Happy Birthday Lolo. I love you. I miss you. I'll try not to cry the rest of the day, but no promises.