Grrr cold weather, grrr!!

I dont hate cold weather (I had to delete my previous sentence lol!) but I'm not loving it at the moment either. It was nice and warm and sunny when I was getting ready for school yesterday morning. Well, on our way to school, as soon as we crossed the bridge, there it was... fog.

Today it was really dark and cloudy, which is probably why I slept til 1:30PM, it didnt look like daytime just yet! Argh. And then, as soon as I decide to record a video (finally, after a month of not recording any videos), it starts raining. And it gets darker outside. There goes my brilliant idea to record a video. I need better lighting in my room! Grr.

I'm also not liking the cold weather right now because... cold weather makes me pee a lot! I know its not just me who has this problem! Seriously, during the winter, I pee like every 15 minutes. I'm not even kidding. It's so frustrating!

I have a ton to do today, and I know a ton of things wont get done... my OCD is acting up, big time due to stress and bills (at least I'm aware!) so, that sucks. I'm hoping to push through it later tonight and just get some cleaning done anyway. I need to.

I got my ears flushed (FINALLY) the other day. Everything is like 5 times louder. It's kinda weird. I'll post a blog about it on the beauty blog sometime soon (hopefully later tonight or tomorrow).

Damn OCD.

So I tried to do a book haul video, and since I was touching my books (which were packaged from Amazon.com and are fairly clean, dont you think?) I feel like my hands are contaminated and I feel like disinfecting them. My hands, not the books.

What bother's me is that lately, my OCD has been acting up and getting weirder. This time last year, I wasnt this freaked out about it. I thought I was getting somewhere! Then it came back, twice as hard. It's softened up a bit, but I guess the stress from the wedding and Martin's situation is causing it to act up.

I've been sitting here for about five minutes trying to convince myself that my hands are not contaminated and they're fine. And there's no reason to go wash/disinfect them. Seriously, its not that serious. And its just ridiculous having to do this and having to go through this. It makes no sense and though I'm over being mad at the fact I have OCD, its just man... tiring.

Its tiring being worried about the craziest things that make no sense. Its tiring fighting the urge to wash my hands. It's tiring trying to convince myself that its not dirty when clearly its not.

I use to be the chick who sat on the floor and on the sidewalk cause I hated sitting on chairs. I use to freely walk in my room with my socks and jeans on and not even care. I use to go straight to sleep after coming home from SF and being on BART that day. I use to be able to come home and go straight to sleep, period. Now I cant do any of those things. Ever. And after dealing with this for four years, its just. Tiring.

And yet, I'm still determined to fight this without medication. If my mind has the ability to be this strong to make me think these crazy thoughts then its just as strong to fight it off. And it will. Someday.

To Write Love On Her Arms day.

Today is To Write Love On Her Arms day.

The first time I ever saw TWLOHA was at Hot Topic a year or so back. I was browsing the girl's shirts and I saw the tag sticking out of one and it definitely caught my attention. I pulled the shirt out and it was one of the plain black ones that have the logo on the top corner.

And the first thing that popped into my head was cutting. I read the tag and turns out, I was right!

Its an organization dedicated to stop cutting, depression and suicide. And since I discovered it, I've been a big fan of the organization. For a few months I was part of their Street Team but I suddenly got busy (of course) and I was dropped from the Street Team. Which is fine, I can always reapply and I do plan to, when all the crazyness slows down.

This organization hits so close to home because when I was in high school, I was suicidal. I dont think there was ever a day I didnt think about suicide and how much better things would be if I just ended it all. I cant really dig that far back since over the years I've blocked things from my memory but I was always depressed. I was always snappy and crying and I had an intense hate for the entire world and everyone in it. I did all sorts of stupid things to make me feel better, even if the feeling better only lasted a few minutes or hours and even if it meant being used.

And even after I realized that what I was doing wasnt making me feel better... I still did it because what else did I have? I cant say I was a cutter because I only cut once. But I spent a really big part of my teenage years angry and depressed.

And, I dont know how to say this without sounding like its bullshit or cliche but... when Martin & I got out of the friend zone everything changed. My entire life changed. I finally felt like someone really cared about me. Someone actually gave a fuck about me, you know? Not to say my parents didnt, but things were just... hard at home at the time. And knowing that someone really really cares about you is such a different and good feeling.

But its not just that or him. I chose not to be depressed anymore. And I know you cant just choose to not be depressed and magically it goes away. It takes work and it takes time. It takes a lot of time.

Depression is kinda like, a gate way drug. At least, in my life. I ended up with full blown OCD. Depression and OCD, they're in the same family and they just love to feed off of each other. The more depressed I was, the more OCD acted up and since OCD acted up, it made me even more depressed because man. OCD can be tricky to please. It was this never ending exhausting cycle. I figure if I kick one, I can somehow kick the other. So the depression had to go, and it took me a very long time to stop being depressed. I went to therapy and my first therapist told me I couldnt do it without medication. I've never believed that medication could heal depression. Even my current therapist (I still go sometimes, not as much as before. 3 years!) warned me it would be hard.

And one day I came in and told him I did it. And it felt great. I havent been depressed since.

I suppose since I had something greater and I was determined to get better, to show them that it is possible without medication, it pushed me to try harder. And there is hope. There is another way out besides suicide. And yes it takes a long time, and a lot of work but it is well worth it in the end. And I'm glad I didnt end it all on the nights I attempted to, because I would had never been able to see just how wonderful life can be.

So thank you Martin and thank you OCD, you're a pain in the ass but sometimes I think you're some weird fucked up blessing in disguise.

I thought the heat was over!

It was super cold last night and now today its really really warm. I'm not gonna say hot cause its not super I-cant-breathe hot but its between really warm and lightweight hot. Point is, its not cold! Wth!

I had some Micky D's today and its not agreeing with my stomach. Lately nothing I've been eating has been. I think I have a lightweight stomach flu or something. Its really frustrating. Or maybe I just need to stop drinking soda cause my stomach hurts really bad when I drink soda these days too. Sick almost. Its just hard when your parents buy a billion boxes of soda. I know its cheaper, but damn.

Had my first argument with my bestie last night. I think she's making the worst choice of her life and its not like me to butt in someones life and be like "excuse me, but that's a dumb move" but I'd just hate to see her do something stupid. She always says that she dates assholes but if you think about it... look at where she meets these guys! She finally finds someone who could be really good to her and shes being stupid. Argh, just makes me mad. I know it shouldnt and it is her life but you know, shes my best friend. I just want her to be happy too. It only took us 10 years to finally have an actual argument where I was actually yelling at her. I'm glad she doesnt hate me for it, and she was actually considering what I was saying... and whining LOL. And it hit a point where she was like "dude, you're tired of arguing with me, arent you?" and I was like "yeah sometimes I just hit a point where I'm like you know what fuck it do what you want" and shes like "yeah, I can totally tell" haha!

I went through a bunch of my makeup bags and I found some more stuff I'm wiling to get rid of. There's still more but I havent gotten that far into my closet just yet. I'm also going to be selling DVD's/CD's/video games but that's gonna take a whole 'nother day to sort though. So far I have one movie up for sale. I just gotta edit the pictures (dont you hate when on camera they dont look dark but on the PC, they look darker?) and post them. So check my blog sale for new items! All this stuff is either again not used, swatched a few times or used once.

Had a hit of inspiration this morning for some Disney inspired jewelry. So I'm on the hunt for a couple of findings/crystals and I'm going to write it down this time so I dont forget!! So, hopefully in a week or two I'll have some new Disney inspired up on my crafts blog. I'm thinking of what I'm going to release for my Fall set but nothing is coming to mind right now. I might have to scatter my crystals around and hope that something hits me. I just gotta get something new up soon.

I'm hungry =( but I'm scared nothing's going to agree with my stomach right now. The thought of food is making my stomach curl. Ugh.

I have this fear of getting cavities (part of why I'm so bent on not drinking soda anymore) and even after I have a cavity filled, I still think its not and it'll still ache. I guess cause I still think about it constantly. And I mean constantly. So I set an appt next week and since my insurance ran out when I turned 23, its going to cost $266 for an xray, cleaning and fluoride. Insane right? I need insurance. Martin needs to hurry up and marry me! Haha. I think thats one of the things he's gonna say to my parents when he talks to them later this week "you know, I can pay her bills -- cause we all know how bad those are... and she'll get insurance -- cause we all know how she's constantly sick..." haha. He's the best. He's already told me I have no choice, I have to get eyesight surgery. And I'm terrified, but he thinks I'll go blind. He's also going to find a way to fix my back (I have an extreme bad habit of slouching). But I do love that he cares about my health so much. I'm going to really miss him when he leaves. Who am I gonna call in the middle of the night when I have bad dreams, paranoia or intrusive thoughts? *sigh*. OCD + your support system gone = not a good thing. But he's being strong for us, so I have to be strong too. It's only fair.