Sunday, November 29, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
- My wonderful fiance (who is annoying me with his negativity but he has a valid reason, this time)
- My amazingly supportive parents who've supported me during the time Martin's been gone
- Boq, the dwarf hamster my mommy bought me =)
- My extremely caring sister-in-law. I'm so lucky to not hate my sister-in-law lol
- My cat and dog, they always brighten my day
- Wicked of course haha!
- My real friends who've supported and comforted me while Martin's been gone
- Life and everything it has to offer, both the good and the bad
- Finding Nemo gummy multivitamin's cause man, they're delicious
- My new digi cam I bought myself =)
- For the new found ability to try to stay positive no matter what the situation
- My upcoming wedding and my parents who made sure it happened
- The fleece pj pants I got from Kohls
- The fleece hoodie I got from Kohls
- The new boots I got from Kohls
- KOHLS in general hahaha!
- Baskin Robbins Fudge Crunch Cake (makes everything better)
- The holiday spirit (its never too early to set up for Christmas!)
- Finding the perfect sugar cookie soaps for my wedding
Monday, November 23, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
So I tried to do a book haul video, and since I was touching my books (which were packaged from Amazon.com and are fairly clean, dont you think?) I feel like my hands are contaminated and I feel like disinfecting them. My hands, not the books.
What bother's me is that lately, my OCD has been acting up and getting weirder. This time last year, I wasnt this freaked out about it. I thought I was getting somewhere! Then it came back, twice as hard. It's softened up a bit, but I guess the stress from the wedding and Martin's situation is causing it to act up.
I've been sitting here for about five minutes trying to convince myself that my hands are not contaminated and they're fine. And there's no reason to go wash/disinfect them. Seriously, its not that serious. And its just ridiculous having to do this and having to go through this. It makes no sense and though I'm over being mad at the fact I have OCD, its just man... tiring.
Its tiring being worried about the craziest things that make no sense. Its tiring fighting the urge to wash my hands. It's tiring trying to convince myself that its not dirty when clearly its not.
I use to be the chick who sat on the floor and on the sidewalk cause I hated sitting on chairs. I use to freely walk in my room with my socks and jeans on and not even care. I use to go straight to sleep after coming home from SF and being on BART that day. I use to be able to come home and go straight to sleep, period. Now I cant do any of those things. Ever. And after dealing with this for four years, its just. Tiring.
And yet, I'm still determined to fight this without medication. If my mind has the ability to be this strong to make me think these crazy thoughts then its just as strong to fight it off. And it will. Someday.
Lately I have been addicted to "Just Go" by Jesse McCartney. I was listening to "The Best Day Of My Life" not realizing it was from A Cinderella Story and got excited with the biggest urge to watch it. Then I realized, I never got around to buying that movie. Even though it's one of my favorites (Hilary Duff is a guilty pleasure of mine).
Autumn! Oh me and Autumn, we have this really weird and super secret love/hate relationship. If I were ever to cheat on Martin, it would be with Autumn (can you cheat on someone with a season? Absolutely). Then I'd cheat on Autumn with Winter. I know, arent I scandalous?
I get into these crazy moods when the temperature starts to drop and the leaves go all... dead. And stuff. Haha. In my life, my previous boyfriends always managed to break up with me like right before the holidays. Trust me, it was fool proof. I always figured it was because they didnt wanna splurge on gifts for their girlfriend, who knows. But I guess that contributed to my crazy mood when it comes around this time of the year.
I get the craziest most intense urge to be independent. And alone. Til like, January haha.
I dont know, to me it feels like Autumn is the beginning of a fresh start. The air feels nicer against your skin and everything is crisp and refreshing. The plants are dying so they can start over again. And there's just something really refreshing and inspiring about that. I'm also one of those people who find colder weather to be more romantic. And its around the time I usually fall asleep watching Serendipity every night. Might explain the wanting to be alone/romantic statement, yah?
Ironically, me and Martin usually break up in November if we do break up. Though our break ups arent like normal people's break ups, they're very helpful. We tend to talk to each other a lot more when we break up. But it always, always lands in November. Again, fool proof. And we break up every other year. Fool proof! But now that we're getting married, what happens? We cant divorce every other year haha. I guess its good that he left this Autumn, it skips a year. But then it throws off our "fool proof" cause that means next year we'll get along since his presence was absent this year.
I'm sorry, is this a weird subject to be talking about? I actually brought this up with him and he usually denies we break up. Even though he always asks me back out lol, he's odd like that. But I'm very thankful he puts up with my crazy habits and ideas and all around just man-shes-not-making-sense-right-now. Though he did pick up a new habit of chanting "I love her" whenever I do something completely off the wall lol.
I was hoping to write a better blog about it than this, but mid-blog my mom knocked on my door and I lost my inspiration. I need to start blogging in my car, where no one can talk to me! I'm so foreal.
Speaking of, there was this huge spider crawling around my car door when me and Marissa got back from the Olive Garden so I handed her the disinfectant spray (I have OCD, I always bring disinfectant around with me) and instead of spray it away it caused the spider to slip through the door frame INTO the car so she opened the door and it was like, plopped into the rubber frame part and it had a web. The little sucker made a home in my door frame! Anyway, I forgot about it and I was cleaning the wedding stuff out of the car and I saw the web and freaked. Then I remembered that we killed that spider but man... that web looks like it was spun with glue. I'm so serious. I should take a picture tomorrow and show you guys. It's gross.
I hate spiders. Yuck.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Today is To Write Love On Her Arms day.
The first time I ever saw TWLOHA was at Hot Topic a year or so back. I was browsing the girl's shirts and I saw the tag sticking out of one and it definitely caught my attention. I pulled the shirt out and it was one of the plain black ones that have the logo on the top corner.
And the first thing that popped into my head was cutting. I read the tag and turns out, I was right!
Its an organization dedicated to stop cutting, depression and suicide. And since I discovered it, I've been a big fan of the organization. For a few months I was part of their Street Team but I suddenly got busy (of course) and I was dropped from the Street Team. Which is fine, I can always reapply and I do plan to, when all the crazyness slows down.
This organization hits so close to home because when I was in high school, I was suicidal. I dont think there was ever a day I didnt think about suicide and how much better things would be if I just ended it all. I cant really dig that far back since over the years I've blocked things from my memory but I was always depressed. I was always snappy and crying and I had an intense hate for the entire world and everyone in it. I did all sorts of stupid things to make me feel better, even if the feeling better only lasted a few minutes or hours and even if it meant being used.
And even after I realized that what I was doing wasnt making me feel better... I still did it because what else did I have? I cant say I was a cutter because I only cut once. But I spent a really big part of my teenage years angry and depressed.
And, I dont know how to say this without sounding like its bullshit or cliche but... when Martin & I got out of the friend zone everything changed. My entire life changed. I finally felt like someone really cared about me. Someone actually gave a fuck about me, you know? Not to say my parents didnt, but things were just... hard at home at the time. And knowing that someone really really cares about you is such a different and good feeling.
But its not just that or him. I chose not to be depressed anymore. And I know you cant just choose to not be depressed and magically it goes away. It takes work and it takes time. It takes a lot of time.
Depression is kinda like, a gate way drug. At least, in my life. I ended up with full blown OCD. Depression and OCD, they're in the same family and they just love to feed off of each other. The more depressed I was, the more OCD acted up and since OCD acted up, it made me even more depressed because man. OCD can be tricky to please. It was this never ending exhausting cycle. I figure if I kick one, I can somehow kick the other. So the depression had to go, and it took me a very long time to stop being depressed. I went to therapy and my first therapist told me I couldnt do it without medication. I've never believed that medication could heal depression. Even my current therapist (I still go sometimes, not as much as before. 3 years!) warned me it would be hard.
And one day I came in and told him I did it. And it felt great. I havent been depressed since.
I suppose since I had something greater and I was determined to get better, to show them that it is possible without medication, it pushed me to try harder. And there is hope. There is another way out besides suicide. And yes it takes a long time, and a lot of work but it is well worth it in the end. And I'm glad I didnt end it all on the nights I attempted to, because I would had never been able to see just how wonderful life can be.
So thank you Martin and thank you OCD, you're a pain in the ass but sometimes I think you're some weird fucked up blessing in disguise.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
I had set aside some money for an itouch but realized, I didnt really need one right now. I just bought myself a Nano last year (I dont know what I was thinking by buying an 8 GiG ipod though, I have 1 GiG left)! And besides, I really just wanted it for the apps. Haha, I'm not going to lie! I've been wanting a new digi cam for awhile now, not that there's anything really wrong with mine. Its just a bit out dated and I know Martin doesnt have one. So I was planning awhile back (wayyy before he decided to enlist) to get a new camera and give him my old one. But he never let me. The camera I wanted went on sale recently (it dropped by like over $100) so I just had to get it. Besides, I think I'm worth it! Haha. So I went and got it today. The battery is still charging so I havent had a chance to play with it just yet. But, I'm pretty happy about that!
I was bummed that Barns & Nobles got rid of their Wizard of Oz/Wicked table! I was hoping to buy a Wicked shirt to wear when I see it next week (along with my green/black witch hat and my custom made "Wicked" necklace), but I went and it was all gone! Super bummed. I hope my necklace and hat will be fine (I need to find that hat). Also my Wizard of Oz comic still hasnt released even though it was suppose to on the 4th. Boo. Dont you hate when you drive kinda a long way to find something and... its not there anymore? Yeah, me too! Haha.
Went semi shopping for Marissa's tux/dress. We went to a tux place and the tux's didnt really fit her well so we went to the mall and tried looking for like women's business suits, but... I dont know. I thought it looked alright! We ended up just getting her a dress lol! Did I mention she's the best man? Yeah, we're doing things a bit backwards. Also he's walking down the isle, not me (he doesnt know this one yet but he will)! Hehe.
We went to go look for some last minute wedding decor stuff, and didnt find much. We did end up walking out of Kohls with a hoodie, socks, some snowflakes (decor) and perfume. Hey, they were having a sale! Haha. I couldnt find a clutch/wristlet that was just plain white. Kinda hard to believe!
We went to Bed Bath and Beyond, just because and I got to add more things to my registry! We got to have the scanner gun and run around the store scanning stuff. My registry is a bit, random... but we get 10% off if we purchase things from our registry (which might explain the shampoo and body wash, sorry guys! Haha) so why not! I'm sure our family is going to wonder what was she thinking... but its okay! Haha. That was super fun, we got to stay til after the store closed. I love Bed Bath and Beyond, they're so... beyond haha. And they were really nice about us staying after.
It's freezing cold, and I'm so excited that it is! I love the cold weather! Well I like it a lot better than hot. I just dont like the goosebumps or the chills.
I wanna go wrap myself in my fleece blanket and go to bed but I have some work to do! Darn. Gotta get all the paper work done by next week for the chapel. Its so crazy to think I'm really getting married, you know? Putting down the deposit for the chapel, getting fitted for my dress... its just so... surreal! I think its really fully hit me just yet. I dont think it's going to until I'm putting the dress on right before the ceremony. I hope I dont freak out! Hahah!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
And he loves me so. Takes me where you never took me, although you tried to. His eyes they read so true. So different from the way it was with you...
I dont dwell on my past half as much as I use to, in fact a lot of my past is a blur. But certain songs still bring up certain people, certain days, certain feelings. And sometimes, its a refreshing blast of memories. Like on a cold November night like this one.
In every life there will be one great love and one unforgettable heart break.
November was never a good month for me, majority of my break ups happen in November. My "unforgettable heart break" happened in November. I can deny you all I want, but no one hurt me as much as you did. And I cant figure out why, besides that I was young and stupid. You were a pretty decent boyfriend, a push over but decent. But everyone needs to feel the pain you gave me, its a big part of who made me who I am today. And I happen to like who I am today.
Moving on... I'm getting married. Wow. Me. Getting married. Never would had thought. Sure we've been together for almost six years (wow, six years, really?) but I just never really saw us getting married. I'm a lot like Ben Affleck in "How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days". I figure we're happy, why ruin it by getting married. And sure, I still think that. But a small itty bitty part of me is actually kinda excited. Shh, dont tell Martin I said that. I always thought that once you get married, or engaged, the past kinda just... disappears. You dont think of the past or what-could-had-been or why-did-that-end. Why I thought that is beyond me.
I guess I'm lucky. I'm lucky because my fiance is my best of all best friends. Literally. We talk about my exes, we talk about his exes, we try to figure out why our past relationships failed. We have real conversations about things like that. He knows how I feel about all of my exes, he knows the ones I wish I was still friends with or the ones hurt me. And he does what I always wished someone would do with that information. He uses to know who I am and how I am. Not against me, but as a better understanding of how I react to things. I'm lucky because in the last six years, he was able to figure who I had a crush on. At work, at school, to him it was so obvious. And he'd pick on me, not in a jealous boyfriend way but in a ooh-I'm-telling-him-you-like-him way. And sometimes between us, its just so easy to forget we're together. Because the majority of the time, we dont feel like that. We feel like two best friends hanging out.
Words can not express how lucky and blessed and happy I am to have him. To have someone who's just like me. Who sacrifices just to see a smile on their face. To spoil me with hugs and kisses and my favorite food "just because". Who accepts every part of me, and who is completely in love with the tomboy side of me. Someone who'll watch me put on lipstick, wipe it off with his finger, kiss me and whisper "you dont need it". Someone who makes me feel so damn alive. He wont ask why I'm crying if I dont feel like telling him but he'll hug the hell out of me until I'm spent, tuck me in bed and kiss me on the forehead and tell me to sleep it off.
I think back to exes and memories and the crazy fucked up crap you go through with them in high school and relationships that ended far too soon. And the boys I miss. And I look at him and I'm glad those relationship ended. I'm glad for all the fucked up crazy shit I went through. I'm glad I got kicked out school. I'm glad I had to repeat senior year. I'm so glad. I'm so glad to be here, with him. With this ring on my finger. With that ring on his.
I love you. I love you a million times. In a million different lifetimes. I've always loved you. I willalways love you. My dope friend. My best friend. My babemerding. A million thank yous. For just being you <3.
Monday, November 9, 2009
But I did mange to ask what Marissa was going to wear to the wedding, tell him about my page rate, and a bunch of other things. I think I covered the important things this time. The rest of the small talk was a blur because like I said (or hinted) I wasnt completely awake during these calls. It was nice to hear his voice on the other line, for a few hours it felt like he was home and everything was normal again.
He called again around noon saying it was his last call of the day and to say thank you for getting him the info and to tell Boq he loves him (which I thought was super cute). I told him when he comes home hes gonna have to tame him cause hes so jumpy. I also gave him a big kiss on the phone and he laughed. I'm glad he smiled, he needs to start smiling/laughing more often on the phone! I'm tired of these sad phone calls! Goodness.
I kept telling myself all day I was going to clean my room.
Did you expect it?
I did LOL!
I just emailed Nicolas Dromard (Fiyero for the Wicked SF production) a rather huge request, I hope he approves my request! Not saying what it is just yet, but its a gift. For someone :)
I've been bugging Nicolas for the last few days lol! At least he'll know who I am when I go see Wicked for the 3rd time haha!
I registered a new domain. Since I have unlimited hosting, just to test it out. So I registered it and I was all excited and I was like and then what lol! Its still processing, so we'll see! I saw that I could renew my domain for $10/year and I got excited til I realized it was just to register to host was wayy more than that lol! Darn, you fooled me again!
Hopefully cleaning tomorrow!! Hopefully.
Oh! I got the Wicked site up, and some content up. I like the layout but I'm not happy with the content. Its gonna take some getting use to/work. But I think I'll get it. Or I'll try to, I'll post a link if anyone's interested (does anyone read this?!) lol.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
It surprised me that she came home with a hamster cause she'd never come home with one! I wont say shes not a fan of hamsters (after a few years of me having Syrian hamsters I think they finally grew on her lol) cause she is... but coming home with one was just so out of character hehe. But it was a nice surprise, especially since I was kinda crying myself to sleep.
I dont know if I mentioned this, but my dear Labby mouse (Martin named him "Labby... the lab mouse" cause he was a plain white mouse) passed away last week, almost hitting I think two years... which is crazy for a simple white feeder mouse. And I suppose she got me a hamster to keep me some company since Martin's away. I dont know really I didnt ask her but I was oohing and ahhing over it for some time lol.
I only have CareFresh bedding and I remember reading somewhere that it's really bad for dwarf hamsters so I went to Petco but they dont sell the bedding I use to use for my baby boy Flixie (who passed away almost two years ago. He had a bad allergic reaction to CareFresh so I had to switch him to shredded wood bedding) and I'm not a huge fan of the wood chip type since they have sharp corners, so I may have to go to the next city over to PetSmart and see if they have any over there. I also have to get the little critter a wheel and some toys. He was climbing and jumping around the cage as soon as I put him in there.
I'm very knowledgeable when it comes to Syrian hamsters since I've raised them since I was 9... but when it comes to dwarf hamsters... not so much. I've only had one and he passed away the day after I got him (I wrote a complaint to the head of Petco and they never got back to me either. Ugh) so I'm a little iffy about having another dwarf hamster, especially from Petco. So I'll be taking a small break tonight from wedding planning to refresh my memory on dwarf hamster care. I only remember bits and pieces and they're not connecting very well lol.
Sorry no pictures of the little guy just yet! I was too busy trying to make his home to take pictures. But soon! And I havent decided on a name, I was thinking Ace since that was what Martin named our Air Force bear, but I dont know yet :)
I cant wait to tell him about the new little one!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
A lot of the time I write about how I managed to escape an abusive relationship. And in all honestly, I wouldnt had been able to even think about walking away from that situation if it wasnt for you.
You were the most unlikely person to save me. The guy who hated his life just as much as the girl who wanted to just end it all. How can two people who hate life save each other?
I dont know. But it happened.
One year ago, two days from today. I said things that I meant at the moment but things I shouldnt had said. You know how I get in intense arguments. I forget, that you're you. You're not him. The things I said... you didnt deserve. The way I reacted was uncalled for. You're nothing like me, you'd never say something to hurt me. You've never and you would never hurt me. Not with words, not with fists, not with anything. The look in your eyes when you're slightly even raising your voice at me asks for forgiveness. And you quickly go quiet.
So why. Why do I treat you the way I do when I'm angry?
We blame the actions of someone else on people who dont deserve it.
I blame you for the things Jeff did. And I know I do. A year ago, we were together for four solid years and never in those years did you do the things he did but yet, I still blame them on you as if you did them. And that is extremely wrong of me. And yet, when I'm in those moments I cant control it. Why does this happen?
I tell myself I'm strong for being able to walk away, for even attempting to walk away... and maybe I am. But the situation itself still haunts me. And I dont think that will ever go away.
I could tell you I'm sorry, a million times. That I'll try my hardest to not let it happen again. And I know you'd look at me. Smile and rub my face. And tell me "its okay, I understand".
And I just dont understand why you do. Or how you do. But I'm so very thankful that you do. You save my life every single day. I hope you know that.
You're my hero. Long before you wore camos, combat boots and dress blues.
I like: Wicked the musical, searching for my wedding favors, Ning and Tumblr.
I don't like: that its still in the high 70's and its already November. Fall has skipped us this year.
I want you to know: that I think my love for makeup is fading *gasp*. I know, I know. Or maybe I'm just too busy to keep up with all the new things.
I've planned: to do more productive things away from the computer. Lets see how this goes.
I want to say to someone special: I miss you. I'm so proud of you. I cant wait to see you in a few weeks and I cant wait to marry you!