A lot of the time I write about how I managed to escape an abusive relationship. And in all honestly, I wouldnt had been able to even think about walking away from that situation if it wasnt for you.
You were the most unlikely person to save me. The guy who hated his life just as much as the girl who wanted to just end it all. How can two people who hate life save each other?
I dont know. But it happened.
One year ago, two days from today. I said things that I meant at the moment but things I shouldnt had said. You know how I get in intense arguments. I forget, that you're you. You're not him. The things I said... you didnt deserve. The way I reacted was uncalled for. You're nothing like me, you'd never say something to hurt me. You've never and you would never hurt me. Not with words, not with fists, not with anything. The look in your eyes when you're slightly even raising your voice at me asks for forgiveness. And you quickly go quiet.
So why. Why do I treat you the way I do when I'm angry?
We blame the actions of someone else on people who dont deserve it.
I blame you for the things Jeff did. And I know I do. A year ago, we were together for four solid years and never in those years did you do the things he did but yet, I still blame them on you as if you did them. And that is extremely wrong of me. And yet, when I'm in those moments I cant control it. Why does this happen?
I tell myself I'm strong for being able to walk away, for even attempting to walk away... and maybe I am. But the situation itself still haunts me. And I dont think that will ever go away.
I could tell you I'm sorry, a million times. That I'll try my hardest to not let it happen again. And I know you'd look at me. Smile and rub my face. And tell me "its okay, I understand".
And I just dont understand why you do. Or how you do. But I'm so very thankful that you do. You save my life every single day. I hope you know that.
You're my hero. Long before you wore camos, combat boots and dress blues.