Friday, November 13, 2009

To Write Love On Her Arms day.

Today is To Write Love On Her Arms day.

The first time I ever saw TWLOHA was at Hot Topic a year or so back. I was browsing the girl's shirts and I saw the tag sticking out of one and it definitely caught my attention. I pulled the shirt out and it was one of the plain black ones that have the logo on the top corner.

And the first thing that popped into my head was cutting. I read the tag and turns out, I was right!

Its an organization dedicated to stop cutting, depression and suicide. And since I discovered it, I've been a big fan of the organization. For a few months I was part of their Street Team but I suddenly got busy (of course) and I was dropped from the Street Team. Which is fine, I can always reapply and I do plan to, when all the crazyness slows down.

This organization hits so close to home because when I was in high school, I was suicidal. I dont think there was ever a day I didnt think about suicide and how much better things would be if I just ended it all. I cant really dig that far back since over the years I've blocked things from my memory but I was always depressed. I was always snappy and crying and I had an intense hate for the entire world and everyone in it. I did all sorts of stupid things to make me feel better, even if the feeling better only lasted a few minutes or hours and even if it meant being used.

And even after I realized that what I was doing wasnt making me feel better... I still did it because what else did I have? I cant say I was a cutter because I only cut once. But I spent a really big part of my teenage years angry and depressed.

And, I dont know how to say this without sounding like its bullshit or cliche but... when Martin & I got out of the friend zone everything changed. My entire life changed. I finally felt like someone really cared about me. Someone actually gave a fuck about me, you know? Not to say my parents didnt, but things were just... hard at home at the time. And knowing that someone really really cares about you is such a different and good feeling.

But its not just that or him. I chose not to be depressed anymore. And I know you cant just choose to not be depressed and magically it goes away. It takes work and it takes time. It takes a lot of time.

Depression is kinda like, a gate way drug. At least, in my life. I ended up with full blown OCD. Depression and OCD, they're in the same family and they just love to feed off of each other. The more depressed I was, the more OCD acted up and since OCD acted up, it made me even more depressed because man. OCD can be tricky to please. It was this never ending exhausting cycle. I figure if I kick one, I can somehow kick the other. So the depression had to go, and it took me a very long time to stop being depressed. I went to therapy and my first therapist told me I couldnt do it without medication. I've never believed that medication could heal depression. Even my current therapist (I still go sometimes, not as much as before. 3 years!) warned me it would be hard.

And one day I came in and told him I did it. And it felt great. I havent been depressed since.

I suppose since I had something greater and I was determined to get better, to show them that it is possible without medication, it pushed me to try harder. And there is hope. There is another way out besides suicide. And yes it takes a long time, and a lot of work but it is well worth it in the end. And I'm glad I didnt end it all on the nights I attempted to, because I would had never been able to see just how wonderful life can be.

So thank you Martin and thank you OCD, you're a pain in the ass but sometimes I think you're some weird fucked up blessing in disguise.

To Write Love On Her Arms


Clueless_Mama said...

I am so glad you found a purpose for your life. It is nice to finally feel loved and appreciated. I hope it stays that way forever!

Toothfairy said...

I'm happy you're sort of out your depression now, because I wasn't so happy to read that you were suicidal in high school. I'm glad you got over that, and have Martin now, to share your life with. Life is about being happy, live to it, and forget all the rest!

happy weekend marie!