Sunday, January 24, 2010

My spending is coming to an end...

I grew up spoiled. I know I did. I dont act like a spoiled brat but I do expect to get everything I want. Yes, I grew up spoiled. I grew up a Daddy's Girl but for a good portion of my life, the money I spent was money I earned myself. I've been paying my bills since I was 17. Phone bill, internet, etc. And that was with a $6.75/hour job at KFC. I never had to buy food, on the upside lol!

Now that I'm older, it's a little harder. The things I want are more expensive. I'm out of a job right now and no one in my area is hiring, so things are a little hard. Scratch that, they're extremely hard right now. In fact, right now, I feel like screaming my fuckin head off.

Married. Broke. In debt.

Not exactly the glamorous newlywed year you expect. Or plan out in your dreams. I'm sure no one wakes up thinking "oh man when I get married, I want to be broke and in debt!" but who am I to blame for this? But myself? The wedding did play a pretty big part in this. In fact, had there been no wedding I probably wouldnt had struck out my last remaining credit card. But life never turns out the way you want. Everything you do is a crossroad, is a stepping stone and is a fork in the road. Its just harder to know you're making the right decision when you dont know the outcome of the situation in front of you.

My husband says he may not re-enlist. And this worries me, it worries me because I dont see how we'll survive if one of us doesnt enlist. It worries me because I know if he's not in something solid, hes likely to slack off and sit around all day playing video games instead of doing something productive. And it also worries me because I'll be enlisting.

Military is something I had planned on doing after I graduated high school. And a huge part of me wishes I had just gone and dove right into it after high school. Maybe I would had skipped OCD, nervous breakdowns and debt. Maybe I wouldnt had passed Boot Camp and spent my whole life feeling sorry for myself. I want to enlist. I think if I make it through Basic, I'll come out so much more prouder of myself. I'll know I can get through anything. I know it will benefit me psychologically. I know it will be a wonderful experience and I know I'll feel proud of myself. Of my life. And I can sit here, and imagine how wonderful that would be. To feel that way. But being at the starting line, I cant help but be... scared. Scared because no matter what my friends who have been through Basic or my husband, their words can be helpful, but nothing can really prepare me for what is to come when I get there. I know I'll be extremely homesick. I know I'll miss my bed, my room, the carpet on my floor, my car that I hate, my dog, my cat, my hamster... I know I'll miss my husband, picking up the phone and calling him for no reason, I'll miss blogger and checking my email and listening to itunes. I'll miss being up-to-date with Wicked or Glee or the newest MAC collection.

And it makes me think I cant do it. There's no way I can do it. Not to mention the physical part. The PT tests. I cant run, at all. I can do push ups but I cant run. There's a chance I might have asthma, and it would crush me to find out if I do.

I'm sorry if this entry doesnt make sense. But I just had to talk. I dont feel any better, but at least I got some of it out.

And the entry was totally drifting away from the title, sorry about that.

1 comment:

Saucy said...

You have some tough decisions to make. You can't change the past, you can only go forward. Keep thinking things through and don't rush into anything! Good luck. Keep your chin up, it WILL get better.

PS. The Lovely Bones was hard to read at first, but it got better, after the first chapter. I resisted reading it when my cousin gave me her copy it sat on my nightstand for over a year. I picked it up one night when I wasn't feeling well and couldn't put it down. I think you have to be in the right mood for it.