Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Waiting.

Yesterday Martin left for MEPS, he said that the exams could take all day, so I'm waiting for his call. He texted me at 4:40AM-ish saying they were playing my favorite movie "Best Friends" where he was and from 5AM to 12PM I woke up every hour checking my phone to see if he texted me again, even though phones arent allowed at the exam. I'm curious, nervous and excited to know what job he picked and when he'll be leaving for basic. Though 30 hours away from each other really sucks and we're able to talk/text. How am I gonna go six weeks without hearing one word from him? How am I gonna go eight and a half weeks without seeing him? God! I sound like one of those super clingy dependent girlfriends who should really get an effen life. It's really grossing and disturbing me. I use to be so independent, but of course. That's gonna be left for another entry.

Dont you hate when you have this great, epic, perfect entry pieced together in your head and you go grab some lunch or take a quick shower and poof the epic great entry is... gone? I think sometimes I should jot down key points, topics, etc... but I mean would the entry still flow if I'm not in that mind set anymore?

Random fact: I had a "forever scab" growing up on my right leg. Well I got bored and picked it off a few days ago (for the first time in probably 10 years) and now its gone! Its not back yet and its kinda freaking me out =(.

I was suppose to hang out with my bestie yesterday but it didnt work out, is it bad that I was a little sad? Actually, I was really sad. It kinda reminded me of how alone I am without Martin and without Flix here any more, it makes me worry about my sanity when he leaves for basic. I'm sure I'll be fine, I mean, I dont have much of a choice... but it just sucks not having anyone to talk to or hang out with any more (again, another entry on another day). Am I really better off than all the popular kids who still have all their friends?

Martin mentioned leaving in January instead and I broke down and cried. He'll miss my birthday. I hate my birthday. The only reason why I celebrate it is because Martin forces me to. And I'll be turning 25 this year. I've been dreading turning 25. I'm suppose to have a degree by 25. I'm suppose to at least know where I'm going at 25. And I'm just disappointed in myself that I dont. I dont have anything. I have experience in a job that cant even land me a decent job at a bank but everyone else who doesnt have my experience get hired at banks all the time. I always joked with people saying if I'm not graduated by 25, I'm going to kill myself. It kinda wasnt a joke. I'm going be half way to 50. Its just a depressing age in general! And its not like I didnt try. I just suck when it comes to college. Seriously. Martin joining the AF makes me feel like I still have 4 years to fix it. Even though, I'll be 29 by then *sigh*. It just sucks that if hes not going to be here, I'm probably going to end up just sleeping the day away. I dont have anyone else to hang out with.

Speaking of, he has to pick 5 jobs and he picked his 3 computer jobs. And he told me he was considering taking mental health and I was like "that's what I would take if I was capable of joining the USAF" and he was like "I know, that's why I want to take it too. I want to know whats wrong with my baby too" that made me tear. He'd sit and read OCD self-help books with me everyday because I was too scared to go to therapy and he'd sit and read with me for hours trying to understand it too. Until I eventually ended up going to therapy and hes been to every single therapy appointment I've ever gone to. Every time its over hes there to give me a hug and ask me how it went. He also is considering taking something else, I dont remember the exact name but he mentioned that he'd be able to get a degree in hotel and restaurant management with it. Which was my first major. And he was like "I wanna learn how to cook and teach you too, I know you'd like that". And I was telling him not to pick just anything cause hes gonna be stuck with that job for 3 years, but he was telling me its things he'd like to get into. And it just made me cry. Does that make me sound lame? How did I end up so lucky?

I'm sorry this entry isnt too happy either. I think I'm just under the weather. I dont really know exactly why, I'm not too sad about him leaving soon. Unless its one of those subconscious things. Sorry I havent really been commenting on everyone's journal's. I've been reading them! I just... well you know. I'll stop saying sorry now.

Thanks for all your support girls. I really really do appreciate it.

2 comments:

My-My said...

that's about 3.5ish months without seeing him. Your reaction is not an act of clinginess. Trust me.

and you are still young. You are old enough to do what you please, and young enough to actually do it! I'm 24 and I still got years to go for school! Hey, I'm going to Solano if you were planning on taking classes. ;)

you are a lucky gal to find a guy like him. And during those times where you feel like you are just gonna crumble, sit it out and do something fun and exciting with your life. (not bungee jump or something, just pick up a hobby you haven't done in a while or something) While your guy is away, it would make him really happy to know that you are taking care of yourself and he would be thrilled to know that you are happy when you guys catch up on the phone and such.

karim said...

An insightfull post. Will definitely help.

Thanks,
Karim - Positive thinking