Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Life & all of its wonderful struggles...

First of all, there's nothing I hate more than breaking down. And second of all I hate breaking down in front of other people. Seriously. Hate. It.

I had an insanely long conversation with my bro last night and I feel SO much better. I'm not... hm. I dont know how to word this. I grew up to believing in God and going to church and the day I decided to go to therapy for my OCD was the day I decided to stop believing in God. I mean it wasnt just a sudden choice, I thought it through for a couple months and when I had made the decision, I felt guilty about it for the longest time. I felt like, if I stopped believing in God, I was giving up the fact that I might never see my grandpa again. And I felt like I was basically saying "I'm willing to give up ever seeing you again to fix whats wrong with me". And to me, I felt like once I made the choice to change my religion, I can never come back. There are a million reasons why I didnt want to be Catholic anymore. One being that ever since I was little, the religion just never seem to fit me. If that makes sense. And because one of my most persistent OCD's was intrusive thoughts having to do with hell and the devil and all sorts of other weird ass shit. And sure enough, when I stopped believing in heaven and hell, the intrusive thoughts went away. The ones related to that anyway.

But my bro said something interesting yesterday. He said "Let go and let God" and at first I didnt really understand what that meant, until he explained it. And it made total sense to me. Life is an endless struggle, and its hard to take on life by yourself. And maybe God does answer our questions, and maybe it is up to us to listen for the answers. Of course its not going to be in big flashing neon lights. He's God, not the Genie.... and my name is Hazel, not Alaadin.

Anyway, those of you who know me, know how hell bent I am on being independent. At ALL times. Asking God for help wouldnt be something I'm willing to do. Like I said, life is a struggle and it IS hard to take on, by yourself. But I'm so determined to do just that. I cant really explain why, but I just know that's exactly what I want to do. And yes sometimes I sit around and think "damn, I could use some help" but I'll never ask for it. I went to church once, with Ralph and the pastor was talking about independence and I wish I could remember what he said, because that too, made total sense. But yet, there's always that voice in the back of my head telling me "no, dont trip, you got this!"

So I'm in the middle of probably the hardest challenges I've ever given myself. At first it sounded easy, totally can make it happen. But honestly, I've been super discouraged for the last month. I know I'm expecting too much out of myself and I need to realize that it's been five years since I've done shit like this, I cant just jump back on it like I wasnt gone for five years! Yet I still beat myself up about it. I know its not IMPOSSIBLE, but at the same time, I gotta slowly get back in it. Everything else will fall into place, if it works out, it works out. If it doesnt, it doesnt. Everything happens for a reason and everything in life is a learning lesson. I'm starting to lose sight of that, and I cant figure out why.

Success is my only mothafuckin option, failure's not.

1 comment:

sun-kissed dreamer said...

you know, I never really was the "religious" type of person but every time I have problems and I'm too reluctant to turn on to people (even the ones closest to me), I just pray. He has His own way making your life work like how it should work if You'll just let Him into your life.. Again. U really dont need to go to church and all that. Just talk to Him. For me, talking to Him is my best prayer.

If I remembered right, lolo wasn't the type of person who goes to church every Sunday but his faith was strong. It was even stronger during the last moments of his life.

I miss him too. I miss him every day.
There are some things that my parents doesn't understand about me.. and if only he was still here, he'd be my only ally.