Saturday, May 2, 2009

Never needed a hand to hold...

Today was probably one of the BEST days of my life. Besides that I'm sick & it was raining. It was one of the best days because my favorite hosting company brought back their promo code!! I know, I'm excited because a HOSTING company brought back a PROMO code. What the fuck, right? For those of you who know me, you know how big I am on web design and graphic design. I've been making webpages since 2001. I was finally hosted by my friend Raquel in 2005 and I finally bought my own domain (that Martin named and I fell in love with it) in 2006. I havent had a domain since then since I kinda fell out of the whole web and graphic design stuff and since they took down the promo code.

I was checking out some other domain companies because the one I'm currently with SUCKS ASS. Their customer service is horrible, you have to go through a million and one folders to get where you need to go, and its such a headache. But at the same time, it disappoints me because the me before woulda been like "Oh YES! Finally a challenge!" and the me now is like "fuuuuuuuuck that!" *sigh*.

Which brings me to another point...

My life changed in 2004, in so many ways I lost count. Like, literally. I hate when people tell me "well at least you have a boyfriend" because I KNOW I work so much better at life WITHOUT one. I do appreciate everything Martin encourages me to do, everything he tries to help me with, everything he learns JUST FOR ME so he can help me and ease my stress. But its so hard for me to deal with that. Its so hard for me to accept someone's help. I'm so use to learning things on my own, to doing things on my own. And you'd think after FIVE YEARS I would change. But I havent. I love that he wants to help me, but its just not the way I work, and I know that.

I miss the me who'd sit here and would design and code literally ALL day and ALL night long. And enjoy every single minute of it. I miss the me who'd take on learning new programs because "I had to". I miss the me who was MOTIVATED enough to do SOMETHING. Who believed she can do ANYTHING at all. I lost that, somewhere. And I cant seem to find it. I cant even find the motivation to blog once a day like I use to. I dont do ANYTHING these days. Nothing that I use to LOVE doing. And it really fuckin upsets me. And I write about this year after year. I make the same resolutions, year after year and year after year I disappoint myself.


Something's been bothering me lately. Something beyond my control. Something that makes me anxious and worried. Something that shouldnt. Something that has to do with a silly fear I cant get over. Something that will stop me from meeting my deadline.

I'm at my breaking point. I'm at my fork in the road. I wished to turn my life around and here it fuckin is. I know what I HAVE to do, but why do I feel so unsure?

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